the other day i had a funny experience while planting lettuce. my new friend ken, the owner of the farm i am working on, was going on and on about himself... talking about how he is the epitome of cute, and how he has to fend off the ladies, and bla bla bla. and i dropped all the lettuce i had in my hand, ready to nestle its little roots into the freshly tilled earth, and said, "how am i ALWAYS surrounded by men with exceedingly large egos?!?" at this he laughed, and said, "because you are beautiful and strong woman, and it is hard for the meek, or undeveloped ego to tread among you, how could they feel confident about themselves?" and while i am totally open to the meek and undeveloped egos, i suddenly realized that maybe he had a point. as hard as it is for me to say that i am strong and beautiful, it was a delicious slice of potential truth.
so that being said, if you ever find yourself in the back of an old beat up toyota landcruiser somewhere in the middle of the desert behind two men talking so highly of themselves that you are unsure opening a window would help you breathe, think, maybe its because YOU'RE beautiful!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
ending with excitement
this last week has been really beautiful and grounding. it was my first christmas away from my family, and it some ways that felt really relaxing and stress-free, and in other ways, i really really missed them. oddly enough, none of my sisters went home for christmas, except for the one who lives there, so it was a very different experience for my parents indeed. christmas is always a hectic time for the campbell's (which seems to be the across-the-board-experience for most people experiencing the holiday seasons with their families) so i am hoping that since all of us have a year off, we will come to really appreciate being together in years to come.
christmas eve we decided to hike to where the lava is flowing. kiluaea is one of the most active volcanoes in the world and it is forever birthing this crazy island, and at the moment it is spewing hot magma lava all the way down to the ocean. so a couple friends and i made it there for an epic hike on christmas eve. it was quite the experience. it started off pouring rain with a consistent headwind of probably about 20 mph, relatively brutal, and then cleared up for a while, allowing us to make a good chunk of the hike with dry weather. we watched the sunset over the black pahoehoe lava. pahoehoe is the smoother kind of lava from flows that happened years ago, so they are all dried up, and this is what we hiked on for the entirety of the time. this place made us all feel as if the whole earth was pahoehoe lava, black and barren; it becomes all you can see aside from the cliff that drops off into the ocean and the hillside that the flowing lava brandished its thousand degree signature. it was like taking a trip to mordor and back, except this time we had to hike back out, there were no giant eagles to swoop down and save us.
at one point we were face to face with all the elements, rain was spitting all over us, and we looked down, and could actually see the glow of lava flowing between the cracks of the earth we were standing on, as the wind howled a most mournful song. it would get extremely hot in places like this, and we would go in search for more solid ground. it was crazy to actually feel the earth forming beneath our feet, i mean literally the ground did not feel solid, and for certain, it wasn't. eventually we hiked onward through the night, constantly searching for solid ground, a little stability to place our feet, and rest our hearts and minds. making it back to the road that led back to the car felt like a god-send. it was a most un-grounding experiencing, and at the same time, i was super grateful to have made the trek there and back with good company, and experience all these elements that are made by earth. it was a good reminder of how small and relatively insignificant i am as a human, and in some ways, how utterly powerless i am to the ways and the forces of the world, and how important it is to show respect to the ground i tread on, because by-god i am grateful it is solid.
this week the farm has been so mellow. i feel so grateful to have had the opportunity to live and work on the farm. life is so simple. talk about finding zen and peace in the simple things, "chopping wood, carrying water." i love and will truly miss my little life and routine i have going there. i work all day,run, make dinner, tea, and maybe a treat, process macadamia nuts, dry bananas, and am in bed by 9:30! only to rise again at 6:30 and watch the world turn light every morning. AHH! i love it. i needed some grounding quiet time, and i have received it. it reminds me that i would love my life to be like this at some point, with added community, and maybe a bit more action here and there, and a few people to share it with, and definitely no lettuce.
i am taking off for molokai on monday. i am doing a workshop with the ho'ea initiative. they do a lot of wilderness awareness workshops, that often include tracking, nature awareness, cultural awareness, and some other primitive skills. i am excited to go and see how it feels to be involved in something like this.
i am continuously trying to figure out what the next step is for me. is it school of some sort? more travel? a perfect job hidden somewhere? a diamond in the rough. i feel really ready to put my energy towards something that is sustainable for me and that i feel passionate about.. but what could this be? i am trying to stop searching so much and just relax into whatever my life has to offer me right now, despite pressures from my parents, my sisters, and pressures from myself. because they are undoubtedly there.
either way, i am really excited for this workshop. i am excited to go to boston and see rose. i am excited to be around my family. i am excited to go to allie's wedding and watch her put her faith in love. i am excited to go back to durango and work for open sky again, and sleep outside. i am excited to maybe buy a house plant-probably a succulent of some sort but a house plant nonetheless.
i love being excited.
christmas eve we decided to hike to where the lava is flowing. kiluaea is one of the most active volcanoes in the world and it is forever birthing this crazy island, and at the moment it is spewing hot magma lava all the way down to the ocean. so a couple friends and i made it there for an epic hike on christmas eve. it was quite the experience. it started off pouring rain with a consistent headwind of probably about 20 mph, relatively brutal, and then cleared up for a while, allowing us to make a good chunk of the hike with dry weather. we watched the sunset over the black pahoehoe lava. pahoehoe is the smoother kind of lava from flows that happened years ago, so they are all dried up, and this is what we hiked on for the entirety of the time. this place made us all feel as if the whole earth was pahoehoe lava, black and barren; it becomes all you can see aside from the cliff that drops off into the ocean and the hillside that the flowing lava brandished its thousand degree signature. it was like taking a trip to mordor and back, except this time we had to hike back out, there were no giant eagles to swoop down and save us.
at one point we were face to face with all the elements, rain was spitting all over us, and we looked down, and could actually see the glow of lava flowing between the cracks of the earth we were standing on, as the wind howled a most mournful song. it would get extremely hot in places like this, and we would go in search for more solid ground. it was crazy to actually feel the earth forming beneath our feet, i mean literally the ground did not feel solid, and for certain, it wasn't. eventually we hiked onward through the night, constantly searching for solid ground, a little stability to place our feet, and rest our hearts and minds. making it back to the road that led back to the car felt like a god-send. it was a most un-grounding experiencing, and at the same time, i was super grateful to have made the trek there and back with good company, and experience all these elements that are made by earth. it was a good reminder of how small and relatively insignificant i am as a human, and in some ways, how utterly powerless i am to the ways and the forces of the world, and how important it is to show respect to the ground i tread on, because by-god i am grateful it is solid.
this week the farm has been so mellow. i feel so grateful to have had the opportunity to live and work on the farm. life is so simple. talk about finding zen and peace in the simple things, "chopping wood, carrying water." i love and will truly miss my little life and routine i have going there. i work all day,run, make dinner, tea, and maybe a treat, process macadamia nuts, dry bananas, and am in bed by 9:30! only to rise again at 6:30 and watch the world turn light every morning. AHH! i love it. i needed some grounding quiet time, and i have received it. it reminds me that i would love my life to be like this at some point, with added community, and maybe a bit more action here and there, and a few people to share it with, and definitely no lettuce.
i am taking off for molokai on monday. i am doing a workshop with the ho'ea initiative. they do a lot of wilderness awareness workshops, that often include tracking, nature awareness, cultural awareness, and some other primitive skills. i am excited to go and see how it feels to be involved in something like this.
i am continuously trying to figure out what the next step is for me. is it school of some sort? more travel? a perfect job hidden somewhere? a diamond in the rough. i feel really ready to put my energy towards something that is sustainable for me and that i feel passionate about.. but what could this be? i am trying to stop searching so much and just relax into whatever my life has to offer me right now, despite pressures from my parents, my sisters, and pressures from myself. because they are undoubtedly there.
either way, i am really excited for this workshop. i am excited to go to boston and see rose. i am excited to be around my family. i am excited to go to allie's wedding and watch her put her faith in love. i am excited to go back to durango and work for open sky again, and sleep outside. i am excited to maybe buy a house plant-probably a succulent of some sort but a house plant nonetheless.
i love being excited.
Friday, December 23, 2011
untitled raw
sometimes i feel like i write best first thing in the morning... my head and my emotions are clear, and i feel super in tune with everything when i watch the morning light turn from blue to grey to spotty-sunshine. right now i am feeling split open and raw. i heard somewhere that you need to share yourself with others so that others can live, so i felt it necessary for some reason to share with everyone this morning, because i love all the people in my life... so this is out of love for everyone... including myself.
untitled
here i am sitting somewhere over the rainbow listening to john prine and crying
the sun rises in an iridescent violet
and sets in a magenta goo... dripping itself into the ocean
for days and months
i have been singing about how 'you're gonna make me lonesome when you go'
thinking bout how 'i see you in the sky above, in the tall grass, and the ones i love'
smiling when i do
but fearless love takes a toll.
so here i am
redirecting
figuring out how i can borrow words of others
to keep feeding the love i have for myself.
and that takes a toll too.
i just keep praying to the moon
knowing that it always comes around to cast its moon shadows all over the place again.
untitled
here i am sitting somewhere over the rainbow listening to john prine and crying
the sun rises in an iridescent violet
and sets in a magenta goo... dripping itself into the ocean
for days and months
i have been singing about how 'you're gonna make me lonesome when you go'
thinking bout how 'i see you in the sky above, in the tall grass, and the ones i love'
smiling when i do
but fearless love takes a toll.
so here i am
redirecting
figuring out how i can borrow words of others
to keep feeding the love i have for myself.
and that takes a toll too.
i just keep praying to the moon
knowing that it always comes around to cast its moon shadows all over the place again.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
rainbow weather I
so today is one of those times where i feel like i almost can't pinpoint exactly what i want to write and i feel like could write so much because it has been so long since i last posted an entry and thus i have no idea where to begin and at the same time feel like i could go on forever. hmmm... deep breath maybe?
the marathon. what an experience. i was a true witness to the battle between the body and the mind.
the race started out in the dark... after waking up at 2:45, we all hopped on a school bus at around 3:30 in the morning, and were carted to the starting line. nerves awry, hearts pounding, stuffing in that last bit of "clif-blok" to get us through the first couple hours we lined up next to eachother, holding hands... the five of us seemingly blond in a sea of japanese people. the exhilarating feeling of being the minority and being at the start of a 26 mile race was soon catalyzed by a firework display that marked the start of the time. tears rolling down our cheeks we began to make our way slowly to the start. unsure of what the next six hours of our lives were going to look like, unsure if we were gonna stick together for the whole of it, unsure what was to happen next.
and then we were off- funneled through the starting line like lil' coffee cherries starting off their process of making their way into your cup... and after mile two i was without all the loved ones i came to honolulu with. i was all alone, and yet surrounded by a sea of people, ebbing and flowing around me. there were moments in the morning darkness in which all i could hear was the sound of 28,000 people's feet hitting the pavement around me. it was our morning heartbeat, propelling us forward through the darkness, and through all the stoplights, changing on their own accord. and then i watched the light turn blue, and from their i could see little splashes of sun making their way onto the horizon as people reminiscent to fans, started to make their way through the cracks in the sidewalks to cheer us on with all of their might!
the light brightened, and i thought about all the people back at home, and in hawaii that i love... mile 13.1 passed and i came to the conclusion that i had actually been training for a half marathon, not a full 26.2 mile marathon. but still, despite the pain in my knees, and the sharp pain in my right hip-flexer i kept on. determined by something other than myself to finish. my mind went through its usual array of insults, as i knew i would be the last of my friends to make it across the finish line, and my body felt like it was starting to deteriorate into the pavement with every lift and fall of my feet. but still i kept on. and then something changed. around mile 18, when i knew i was over the hump, and all at once felt sure that i wouldn't make it another step, something in my little mind's eye starting saying, "you can do it meg, you can do it. don't stop, you got this" and i kept on and on and on for 8.2 more miles, and realized that it was my mind telling me not to stop, encouraging me further and further, even though my body surely couldn't make it, not one more step... and i came to the last mile... my pace actually picking up underneath my torso, my arms getting into a larger swing until i was once again surrounded by these "fans" cheering me through the last couple steps, and i broke out into a full sprint to the end... and then walked to a spot in the grass and collapsed, somehow found by three other friends, in the same amount of pain, happy to see that i had finished, and ready to get a free shiatsu massage. its funny because my mind quickly assumed its normal role, "eh i'm not sure that was good enough meg, your time is a tad embarrassing, don't walk around too proud.." but now i am telling that part to shove it, i finished 26.2 miles in 5hours51seconds, and well, i am proud. and that being said, i wanna do better next time... :)
the marathon. what an experience. i was a true witness to the battle between the body and the mind.
the race started out in the dark... after waking up at 2:45, we all hopped on a school bus at around 3:30 in the morning, and were carted to the starting line. nerves awry, hearts pounding, stuffing in that last bit of "clif-blok" to get us through the first couple hours we lined up next to eachother, holding hands... the five of us seemingly blond in a sea of japanese people. the exhilarating feeling of being the minority and being at the start of a 26 mile race was soon catalyzed by a firework display that marked the start of the time. tears rolling down our cheeks we began to make our way slowly to the start. unsure of what the next six hours of our lives were going to look like, unsure if we were gonna stick together for the whole of it, unsure what was to happen next.
and then we were off- funneled through the starting line like lil' coffee cherries starting off their process of making their way into your cup... and after mile two i was without all the loved ones i came to honolulu with. i was all alone, and yet surrounded by a sea of people, ebbing and flowing around me. there were moments in the morning darkness in which all i could hear was the sound of 28,000 people's feet hitting the pavement around me. it was our morning heartbeat, propelling us forward through the darkness, and through all the stoplights, changing on their own accord. and then i watched the light turn blue, and from their i could see little splashes of sun making their way onto the horizon as people reminiscent to fans, started to make their way through the cracks in the sidewalks to cheer us on with all of their might!
the light brightened, and i thought about all the people back at home, and in hawaii that i love... mile 13.1 passed and i came to the conclusion that i had actually been training for a half marathon, not a full 26.2 mile marathon. but still, despite the pain in my knees, and the sharp pain in my right hip-flexer i kept on. determined by something other than myself to finish. my mind went through its usual array of insults, as i knew i would be the last of my friends to make it across the finish line, and my body felt like it was starting to deteriorate into the pavement with every lift and fall of my feet. but still i kept on. and then something changed. around mile 18, when i knew i was over the hump, and all at once felt sure that i wouldn't make it another step, something in my little mind's eye starting saying, "you can do it meg, you can do it. don't stop, you got this" and i kept on and on and on for 8.2 more miles, and realized that it was my mind telling me not to stop, encouraging me further and further, even though my body surely couldn't make it, not one more step... and i came to the last mile... my pace actually picking up underneath my torso, my arms getting into a larger swing until i was once again surrounded by these "fans" cheering me through the last couple steps, and i broke out into a full sprint to the end... and then walked to a spot in the grass and collapsed, somehow found by three other friends, in the same amount of pain, happy to see that i had finished, and ready to get a free shiatsu massage. its funny because my mind quickly assumed its normal role, "eh i'm not sure that was good enough meg, your time is a tad embarrassing, don't walk around too proud.." but now i am telling that part to shove it, i finished 26.2 miles in 5hours51seconds, and well, i am proud. and that being said, i wanna do better next time... :)
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
hello ruby in the dust
i am sitting right now, listening to neil young pandora radio, watching 5 people standing around a counter, cooking. they are cooking a mexican meal that they so gracefully offered to share with me.
it hit me the other day that the weeks that have fed me the most here have been my trip to waimanu, and my recent love affair with hilo, in which i spent a week with my insta-best-friend kate, running, cooking, going to yoga, and having amazing conversations, only to be joined with long-time-best-friend heidi for birthday adventures, and lots of laughs, tears, and wine.
coming back kona side and realizing i was going to spend a week alone brought up the question... why am i here? living outside of community, spending loads of time by myself, not making money... you know the drill and the persistance of those thoughts in my mind. the grass seems to always be greener huh? well in relation to my recent realization of what feeds me, abundance came knocking at my door again, and i got a call from the local lettuce farm in town. kealaola farms (i think there might be an apostrophe in there somewhere); they need help.
YAY! eruption of joy in the opportunity to work, have my own space (a tent that i can stand up in, set up my altar, and have all my clothes in that overlooks the pacific and colorful fields of lettuce), and live in community. this is exactly what i need for the last month of my stay here in hawaii. some grounding. i keep talking about how i feel like i have been able to come to center within myself, but i am lacking grounding in the real physical world. the farm was completely willing to work around my schedule for the marathon, and open to me coming for as long as i wanted or needed, so i obviously could not refuse.
-(one my favorite neil young songs just came on-cowgirl in the sand.. yes.)-
so here i am... as i said sitting in a large wearhouse, with a kitchen and a group of smiling faces, tent all set up, 7th harry potter already broken into, listening to cowgirl in the sand, and grateful.
it hit me the other day that the weeks that have fed me the most here have been my trip to waimanu, and my recent love affair with hilo, in which i spent a week with my insta-best-friend kate, running, cooking, going to yoga, and having amazing conversations, only to be joined with long-time-best-friend heidi for birthday adventures, and lots of laughs, tears, and wine.
coming back kona side and realizing i was going to spend a week alone brought up the question... why am i here? living outside of community, spending loads of time by myself, not making money... you know the drill and the persistance of those thoughts in my mind. the grass seems to always be greener huh? well in relation to my recent realization of what feeds me, abundance came knocking at my door again, and i got a call from the local lettuce farm in town. kealaola farms (i think there might be an apostrophe in there somewhere); they need help.
YAY! eruption of joy in the opportunity to work, have my own space (a tent that i can stand up in, set up my altar, and have all my clothes in that overlooks the pacific and colorful fields of lettuce), and live in community. this is exactly what i need for the last month of my stay here in hawaii. some grounding. i keep talking about how i feel like i have been able to come to center within myself, but i am lacking grounding in the real physical world. the farm was completely willing to work around my schedule for the marathon, and open to me coming for as long as i wanted or needed, so i obviously could not refuse.
-(one my favorite neil young songs just came on-cowgirl in the sand.. yes.)-
so here i am... as i said sitting in a large wearhouse, with a kitchen and a group of smiling faces, tent all set up, 7th harry potter already broken into, listening to cowgirl in the sand, and grateful.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
first poem in a long time
recent encounters with raven
here i am
lookin' good for no one but myself
shaved legs
hair loose and wild
out here
sitting in the second
warm rain of the day
mmmh. i am o.k. with the rain.
autumn's here you say?
where?
maybe in my solitude.
maybe in the warm rain.
maybe in all the sunsets.
sunsets.
"why am still watching the sunset!?"
i yell out to the ancient colors.
i am ready!
i am ready to put roots in
settle
curl up
provide
and then
watch the sun RISE!
at this, Raven laughs-
wise words pour out of a beady stare i have known in dreams:
stop
rushing.
here i am
lookin' good for no one but myself
shaved legs
hair loose and wild
out here
sitting in the second
warm rain of the day
mmmh. i am o.k. with the rain.
autumn's here you say?
where?
maybe in my solitude.
maybe in the warm rain.
maybe in all the sunsets.
sunsets.
"why am still watching the sunset!?"
i yell out to the ancient colors.
i am ready!
i am ready to put roots in
settle
curl up
provide
and then
watch the sun RISE!
at this, Raven laughs-
wise words pour out of a beady stare i have known in dreams:
stop
rushing.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
ebenezer scrooge gets the holiday blues and cures it through giving thanks to you!
wow, welcome to my tri-annual mercury in retrograde struggle. yesterday i spent most of the day feeling and wondering if mercury was going to go into retrograde, and when i checked my calendar, it turned out that today is actually the day. not to sound to woo woo, but i am notoriously spacy, laden with bad luck and unable to control my bad communication habits (not to play the victim or anything). today, the day before thanksgiving, this fine beautiful sunny and 80 degree 23rd of december, i feel sad and confused. doin the human struggle! doin the human struggle! (i feel like i should come up with a lil shimmy for that!)
i just talked to my dad and two of my sisters on the phone (my dad has this crazy "hands-off" thing in his car that broadcasts me over the radio when i call) as they were driving to vermont, the place where i spent all of my thanksgivings until i was 20, to enjoy snow, good food, wine, cheese, my favorite childhood restaurant, and some turns in 33degree-and-drizzling-miserableness, on slopes saturated with snow guns blowing ice chunks in every possible orifice. HA! but something about bundling up with my sisters and dad and sweaters and warm hats sounds really beautiful and very comfy... that's the word, comfy. sometimes that is exactly what i need on this island. all this earth-shaking-earthquaking-sharp-lava-eating-my-feet-raw-exposing-nakedness can be hard on a woman!
i am the ultimate ebenezer in my cynical now mid-twenties. i often think all holidays are glorified by hallmark and have no real meaning or importance in my life anymore. i appreciate the changing of the seasons, and lunar cycles, and old traditions that probably run deep in my pagan ancestry somewhere down the line... yes a true pagan at heart. but once again, the space that i have provided myself with this year has led me to some beautiful and new perspectives. i do appreciate the traditions that i grew up with. going to vermont every year for thanksgiving, eating from a buffet at a dark cozy nook of a french restaraunt (which is apparently very unconventional), and then going around the table saying what we are grateful for is a heartfelt very applicable tradition, and i love it and i miss it.
christmas can be a whole nother story, but growing up it was never my favorite holiday. thanksgiving always was. i think the reality of feeling close to my family, being small and nurtured by everyone in the first real cold of the season was and is something very special and dear to my heart.
i have a lot to be grateful for this year.
i am grateful for my family. for the differences and the raging power that me and all my sisters possess. for us being strewn across the country, in different places doing different things, and feeling confident that we are on our path in the moment. for the irreplaceable bond that only sisters can feel, despite brutal honesty, minor abuse, and lots of tears and distance. for willingness to heal and create new bonds, to work on relationships and see eachother for who we are now, and not for who we were when we were stealing eachothers clothes and slamming doors.
for mom and dad for figuring out what it is that makes them happy. following their hearts, accepting me and loving me unconditionally despite all my crazy quarter-life-crisis antics. for always providing us with creature comforts and nurturing, despite distances, absences, and arguments. for allowing me to be someone who lives and moves from the heart, while trying to weave in a little bit of logical thought. thank you for bearing with me. thank you for tickling me when i was little, playing bad guy, laying in bed with me till all hours of the night, letting me crawl into your bed whenever i was sick, and brining me to vermont for every vacation, the first place i really felt my soul. thank your for instilling so much love into me that i didn't know how to express it enough as a kid. i love you more than the universe.
to friends and families in other forms
thank you for bearing with me as well. i know my tendencies towards being relatively emotionally unregulated can be draining and ungrounding. thank you for being a grounding force in my life. thank you for providing me with new family, and always seeing me (avatar style) beyond the hot mess that i can present myself to be. thank you for always believing in me, helping me see through my greatest dreams and desires. helping me to decode my dreams, speak my truth, and challenging me to become a better person. thank you for always knowing what is best for me, even when i am too stuck to see it myself. thank you for helping me see myself as beautiful, recognizing my courage, and by-god holding fucking space for me. thank you... unwavering love headed your way.
to mentors and teachers
thank you for seeing my potential. thank you for telling me that i am amazing. thank you for believing in me, challenging me, and making yourself available. thank you for telling me to "buck up," thank you for ignoring me, and holding boundaries with me. thank you for being beautiful strong humans to look up to and aspire to be. thank you for holding the bar high. thank you for presenting your love and truth to the world and thus allowing me to move in that direction.
to something greater than myself.... great spirit, great mystery, universe, whatever
thank you for allowing me to see myself, and begin to discover my spirituality, find routine and seek inner and outer truth... not sure quite where to go with this one yet except that thank you for answering my prayers through out the ages at times when i didn't even know i was praying.
japhy
thank you for bringing me so much joy, and being a maniac, and causing me worry, and providing me with unconditional love.
myself
thanks meg for finally taking the risk to do something different. thank you for removing yourself from the definition of insanity- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, thank you for learning to be gentle with yourself, for being open to doors opening and closing, for moving into joy and new acceptance for your body- soft in all the right places. thank you for discovering that your power does not lie behind a toothy gummy grin, but can be found and fostered in even the darkest corners of your life. thank you for growing up, coming into yourself, being real, wearing your heart on your sleeve, and with that, starting to learn about balance (ha!) thank you for being ready to move into this next phase of your life, while still being aware of connections and love across the miles. thank you for being ready to discover and grow and learn. thank you for saying thank you.
so here is my gratitude. i could go on for days... i love lists. thank you for loving me, and allowing me to love you in return.
happy turkey day.
i just talked to my dad and two of my sisters on the phone (my dad has this crazy "hands-off" thing in his car that broadcasts me over the radio when i call) as they were driving to vermont, the place where i spent all of my thanksgivings until i was 20, to enjoy snow, good food, wine, cheese, my favorite childhood restaurant, and some turns in 33degree-and-drizzling-miserableness, on slopes saturated with snow guns blowing ice chunks in every possible orifice. HA! but something about bundling up with my sisters and dad and sweaters and warm hats sounds really beautiful and very comfy... that's the word, comfy. sometimes that is exactly what i need on this island. all this earth-shaking-earthquaking-sharp-lava-eating-my-feet-raw-exposing-nakedness can be hard on a woman!
i am the ultimate ebenezer in my cynical now mid-twenties. i often think all holidays are glorified by hallmark and have no real meaning or importance in my life anymore. i appreciate the changing of the seasons, and lunar cycles, and old traditions that probably run deep in my pagan ancestry somewhere down the line... yes a true pagan at heart. but once again, the space that i have provided myself with this year has led me to some beautiful and new perspectives. i do appreciate the traditions that i grew up with. going to vermont every year for thanksgiving, eating from a buffet at a dark cozy nook of a french restaraunt (which is apparently very unconventional), and then going around the table saying what we are grateful for is a heartfelt very applicable tradition, and i love it and i miss it.
christmas can be a whole nother story, but growing up it was never my favorite holiday. thanksgiving always was. i think the reality of feeling close to my family, being small and nurtured by everyone in the first real cold of the season was and is something very special and dear to my heart.
i have a lot to be grateful for this year.
i am grateful for my family. for the differences and the raging power that me and all my sisters possess. for us being strewn across the country, in different places doing different things, and feeling confident that we are on our path in the moment. for the irreplaceable bond that only sisters can feel, despite brutal honesty, minor abuse, and lots of tears and distance. for willingness to heal and create new bonds, to work on relationships and see eachother for who we are now, and not for who we were when we were stealing eachothers clothes and slamming doors.
for mom and dad for figuring out what it is that makes them happy. following their hearts, accepting me and loving me unconditionally despite all my crazy quarter-life-crisis antics. for always providing us with creature comforts and nurturing, despite distances, absences, and arguments. for allowing me to be someone who lives and moves from the heart, while trying to weave in a little bit of logical thought. thank you for bearing with me. thank you for tickling me when i was little, playing bad guy, laying in bed with me till all hours of the night, letting me crawl into your bed whenever i was sick, and brining me to vermont for every vacation, the first place i really felt my soul. thank your for instilling so much love into me that i didn't know how to express it enough as a kid. i love you more than the universe.
to friends and families in other forms
thank you for bearing with me as well. i know my tendencies towards being relatively emotionally unregulated can be draining and ungrounding. thank you for being a grounding force in my life. thank you for providing me with new family, and always seeing me (avatar style) beyond the hot mess that i can present myself to be. thank you for always believing in me, helping me see through my greatest dreams and desires. helping me to decode my dreams, speak my truth, and challenging me to become a better person. thank you for always knowing what is best for me, even when i am too stuck to see it myself. thank you for helping me see myself as beautiful, recognizing my courage, and by-god holding fucking space for me. thank you... unwavering love headed your way.
to mentors and teachers
thank you for seeing my potential. thank you for telling me that i am amazing. thank you for believing in me, challenging me, and making yourself available. thank you for telling me to "buck up," thank you for ignoring me, and holding boundaries with me. thank you for being beautiful strong humans to look up to and aspire to be. thank you for holding the bar high. thank you for presenting your love and truth to the world and thus allowing me to move in that direction.
to something greater than myself.... great spirit, great mystery, universe, whatever
thank you for allowing me to see myself, and begin to discover my spirituality, find routine and seek inner and outer truth... not sure quite where to go with this one yet except that thank you for answering my prayers through out the ages at times when i didn't even know i was praying.
japhy
thank you for bringing me so much joy, and being a maniac, and causing me worry, and providing me with unconditional love.
myself
thanks meg for finally taking the risk to do something different. thank you for removing yourself from the definition of insanity- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, thank you for learning to be gentle with yourself, for being open to doors opening and closing, for moving into joy and new acceptance for your body- soft in all the right places. thank you for discovering that your power does not lie behind a toothy gummy grin, but can be found and fostered in even the darkest corners of your life. thank you for growing up, coming into yourself, being real, wearing your heart on your sleeve, and with that, starting to learn about balance (ha!) thank you for being ready to move into this next phase of your life, while still being aware of connections and love across the miles. thank you for being ready to discover and grow and learn. thank you for saying thank you.
so here is my gratitude. i could go on for days... i love lists. thank you for loving me, and allowing me to love you in return.
happy turkey day.
Monday, November 14, 2011
talkstory.
this is a saying over here that i really enjoy, talkstory. it means to "shoot the shit" but i like it so much because there seems to be slightly more intention behind it, the people who have wanted to talkstory with me haven't just wanted to make small talk, but have really wanted to know who i am, why i am here, what my story is. this is something that i really appreciate because i don't do well with small talk, in fact, i avoid it like the plague.. however, because small talk is so often the way we use to get to the deeper stuff, i tend to miss out on that stuff as well. what i am noticing about all this talkstory, is that when someone says "hey lets talkstory" i roll up my figurative sleeves and say "ok lets get into it" thus skipping the small talk.
it is also part of the hawaiian tradition... correct me if i am wrong, but a lot of the elders of the community will set aside time to talkstory, and it is the way that the younger ones learn, and are able to pass on knowledge the elders have to offer. beeeautiful.
anyways that is kind of what this blog has become for me... a place for talkstory, and eventually i will learn to tell my story in a way that will be more liken to captivate readers and teach a lesson but for now stream of consciousness is what i got! it is real and it is me, so roll up your sleeves, and sit back and read all at once.
my holy hard day turned out to be one of the most beautiful days i have had here since my arrival on hawaii island... i needed to hit rock bottom (which is much higher up than it used to be), and i needed to pull myself out of it by taking action, making movement, and grabbing the bull by the horns in order to move through my situation, and i did. after my time on the internet, we went down kealakekua bay and met up with some colorado girls, kelsea, shelley, and sarah, girls who come from similar roots, and who felt like home and community in one way or another. heidi and i ended the day paddling together on a stand up paddle board into the middle of the bay, laying head to head on it, and then i taught her a moon song that i know (thanks to kristi d), and we sang together looking up at the moon, floating in the middle of the bay, and decided this would be a moment we would remember for a long time... heidi looked at me as we dried off and got back in the car, laughed and said, "meg, i felt like i saw a glimpse of the old megan here in hawaii this morning, and then we just ended the day singing to the moon, a song that you taught me... i feel like you had a real north day today, meg!" she ended with another giggle, then i giggled, and we both giggled together in the now forever soggy jeep she named phil. i beamed because i knew she was right, and it is true what "they" say, whoever "they" are today, that in those dark dark moments is when the real growth happens and when the truth becomes the clearest. yay for movement, travelling and feeling joy.
the rest of the week was amazing as well... our weekend with the maui/colorado girls introduced me to surfing for the first time (what a gift!), and fed my seemingly constant need for a lot of women time, and the definite constant need and desire for community. the next couple days were kind of wishy washy... i accidentally ended up following heidi around doing chores all day in the car one of those days, and became crabby, and decided i could sit in a kmart parking lot anywhere in the us... why was i here?? and so that question keeps coming up... why am i here? why am i here? and the answer keeps flying into view... to experience prolonged joy! to be in your body! to run around in skimpy spandex shorts and not feel self-conscious about your womanly curves! to take risks! and so another day of swimming with the dolphins, and meeting up with another dear colorado friend, allowed me to experience some of those things... i swam a mile and half across the bay sans flippers, and dolphins kept coming right for me!! and i could hear their song the entire way! it was definitely joyful to say the least! and so healing to be in the water for basically the entirety of the afternoon!
so then i did it. something i have been talking about for a number of years, and always always had an excuse not to do... went on a solo backpacking trip... i went back into this valley called waimanu which i found out later means water-bird. before i took off, one would have thought i was about to jump out of an airplane i was so nervous. i kept searching and searching for excuses to not go... the weather looked nasty, can i leave the truck here for two nights? what if the trail is washed out? what if the big surf advisory means there will be a tsunami? and the list goes on as all of my lil neuroses (sp?) began to surface. i sat in the car and listened to music for a second... trying to find it in me to strap on my pack and take off... do it meg, put on your pack, do it, a voice kept saying... if not now then when?? and so i did it, i locked the car doors, put away my ipod, buckled my pack to my shoulders and hips, and started walking. and when i finally hit the trail, i realized i was not scared at all... that almost like an old memory, i had done this before... many times. and so i walked and walked through eucalyptus forests, pine forests, and tropical drainages, and rain, tons and tons of rain. waterfalls were going off left and right and after about 10 miles of ups and downs, two river crossings, and crazy winds, and did i mention rain? i reached the valley floor, where the huge ocean breathes it waves in and out of the cove, and where black rock turns to black sand, a magical place, waimanu. i spent around two days there, one night there, and one up on the ridge, and never got dry not once. i had a lil' ceremony for myself, spent some time building a beautiful medicine wheel (which was a tad bit off because i had no idea where the sun was and no map.. hehe) and even busted a coal, (though to little avail because everything was so wet... someday i will know how to build a fire in the dampest of climates... any suggestions, i am humbly open to them)... overall the trip was super empowering, helped me tap into a deeper side of myself... and realize that i always have that option... i can always always strap on my backpack and head into the wilderness... that is always there fore me...
ok i think i will end here for today... i am about to do a lil' hitchhiking for the first time... a little scary, but i think i will survive... go visit some friends over in hilo... see what that side of the island is like. i am going to leave my computer somewhere dry, so you probably wont here from for a couple more days.
aloha and thanks for bearing with me.
ps- i quit pacific quest. ;)
it is also part of the hawaiian tradition... correct me if i am wrong, but a lot of the elders of the community will set aside time to talkstory, and it is the way that the younger ones learn, and are able to pass on knowledge the elders have to offer. beeeautiful.
anyways that is kind of what this blog has become for me... a place for talkstory, and eventually i will learn to tell my story in a way that will be more liken to captivate readers and teach a lesson but for now stream of consciousness is what i got! it is real and it is me, so roll up your sleeves, and sit back and read all at once.
my holy hard day turned out to be one of the most beautiful days i have had here since my arrival on hawaii island... i needed to hit rock bottom (which is much higher up than it used to be), and i needed to pull myself out of it by taking action, making movement, and grabbing the bull by the horns in order to move through my situation, and i did. after my time on the internet, we went down kealakekua bay and met up with some colorado girls, kelsea, shelley, and sarah, girls who come from similar roots, and who felt like home and community in one way or another. heidi and i ended the day paddling together on a stand up paddle board into the middle of the bay, laying head to head on it, and then i taught her a moon song that i know (thanks to kristi d), and we sang together looking up at the moon, floating in the middle of the bay, and decided this would be a moment we would remember for a long time... heidi looked at me as we dried off and got back in the car, laughed and said, "meg, i felt like i saw a glimpse of the old megan here in hawaii this morning, and then we just ended the day singing to the moon, a song that you taught me... i feel like you had a real north day today, meg!" she ended with another giggle, then i giggled, and we both giggled together in the now forever soggy jeep she named phil. i beamed because i knew she was right, and it is true what "they" say, whoever "they" are today, that in those dark dark moments is when the real growth happens and when the truth becomes the clearest. yay for movement, travelling and feeling joy.
the rest of the week was amazing as well... our weekend with the maui/colorado girls introduced me to surfing for the first time (what a gift!), and fed my seemingly constant need for a lot of women time, and the definite constant need and desire for community. the next couple days were kind of wishy washy... i accidentally ended up following heidi around doing chores all day in the car one of those days, and became crabby, and decided i could sit in a kmart parking lot anywhere in the us... why was i here?? and so that question keeps coming up... why am i here? why am i here? and the answer keeps flying into view... to experience prolonged joy! to be in your body! to run around in skimpy spandex shorts and not feel self-conscious about your womanly curves! to take risks! and so another day of swimming with the dolphins, and meeting up with another dear colorado friend, allowed me to experience some of those things... i swam a mile and half across the bay sans flippers, and dolphins kept coming right for me!! and i could hear their song the entire way! it was definitely joyful to say the least! and so healing to be in the water for basically the entirety of the afternoon!
so then i did it. something i have been talking about for a number of years, and always always had an excuse not to do... went on a solo backpacking trip... i went back into this valley called waimanu which i found out later means water-bird. before i took off, one would have thought i was about to jump out of an airplane i was so nervous. i kept searching and searching for excuses to not go... the weather looked nasty, can i leave the truck here for two nights? what if the trail is washed out? what if the big surf advisory means there will be a tsunami? and the list goes on as all of my lil neuroses (sp?) began to surface. i sat in the car and listened to music for a second... trying to find it in me to strap on my pack and take off... do it meg, put on your pack, do it, a voice kept saying... if not now then when?? and so i did it, i locked the car doors, put away my ipod, buckled my pack to my shoulders and hips, and started walking. and when i finally hit the trail, i realized i was not scared at all... that almost like an old memory, i had done this before... many times. and so i walked and walked through eucalyptus forests, pine forests, and tropical drainages, and rain, tons and tons of rain. waterfalls were going off left and right and after about 10 miles of ups and downs, two river crossings, and crazy winds, and did i mention rain? i reached the valley floor, where the huge ocean breathes it waves in and out of the cove, and where black rock turns to black sand, a magical place, waimanu. i spent around two days there, one night there, and one up on the ridge, and never got dry not once. i had a lil' ceremony for myself, spent some time building a beautiful medicine wheel (which was a tad bit off because i had no idea where the sun was and no map.. hehe) and even busted a coal, (though to little avail because everything was so wet... someday i will know how to build a fire in the dampest of climates... any suggestions, i am humbly open to them)... overall the trip was super empowering, helped me tap into a deeper side of myself... and realize that i always have that option... i can always always strap on my backpack and head into the wilderness... that is always there fore me...
ok i think i will end here for today... i am about to do a lil' hitchhiking for the first time... a little scary, but i think i will survive... go visit some friends over in hilo... see what that side of the island is like. i am going to leave my computer somewhere dry, so you probably wont here from for a couple more days.
aloha and thanks for bearing with me.
ps- i quit pacific quest. ;)
Friday, November 4, 2011
letting go.
holy hard day.
today was one of the hardest days i have had since i arrived on the island... and it is just after noon...
working at pacific quest was really really hard. i worked with the adolescent boys, which ofcourse i loved, but it was so utterly different from my work at open sky that it is not even comparable. i literally have to leave all i know and am good at at the gate when i walk in in order to stifle my constant judgement and recurring feelings of dislike about the program. the kids don't know how to validate, or communicate their feelings directly to eachother... it isn't about the group, and the group dynamics, it is utterly about the individual and honing in on their own process... spending a lot of time with our good friend reflection, and a lot of time with our very difficult high maintenance friend accountability. since i was in the support role this week, i spent an absurd amount of time sitting... so much so that i was able to do an 8 mile run upon getting out of the field last night... and keep up easily with heidi. we were enclosed in very small area, and the land work we did all week was quite minimal to what i was expecting. the kids spend a lot of time sitting too... and the whole program revolves around food. which i also struggle with because of my relationship with food and the fact that i am gluten-free and there is gluten in most of the food. my stomach was rocked from the diet, and i really struggled again with that feeling of it just not being right.
however, i do think it is a good practice for me to see if i can bring my fire somewhere else that is not open sky... can i be successful at something else? because this is different... this is not WILDERNESS therapy, it is a residential therapeutic center with organic gardens. that is it, plain and simple.
i think i am going to give it one more week... it is so expensive to live here, and i really want to see what i can bring if i just LET GO of the fact that it is so different from open sky.
so letting go is my theme right now.
i need to find a way to be fully present here, and happy here, so that i know i can bring it with me anywhere i go. i need to truly focus on myself, and figure out what i want to do, without the hindrance or influence of anyone or anything else. it is really hard... i have already cried a small river this morning. i had news of japhy being a very bad dog... breaking and entering, running around at large, rumors of a bite occurring even to my dear friend cody.... something i never would have expected from my sweet gentle-natured dog. but i know how he gets when he is not with me... i had to call upon an old friend who really really pulled through. someone who i needed to forgive, and through this humbling act of asking/pleading/begging/crying on the phone for help, he instantly said "ofcourse megan." so thank you parker, for being the dear man that you are. i am working on letting go of the wounds we have created for each other, and remembering the good maybe in place of the bad for a little while, and forgiving you and forgiving me for our trials and tribulations, our winding, bending, bumpy crazy path we had together. you are doing me a huge favor.
now that japhy is going to be in a steady and consistent home... maybe i can stay here even longer. maybe i need to fully let go of durango for a little while, and find a way to make this home. there is a reason why i came here, there is a reason why i am still here, there is a reason why i effortlessly got the job with pacific quest in a place where it is impossible to find work... there are reasons. so the letting go ceremony that i had for myself out in the middle of kealakekua bay, the day before all the earthquakes happened is finally settling in. finally creating movement. it makes my heart thump really fast to think about it, but i know it is what i need to do. and i am not sure what that means for me. whether i am going to make this a more permanent home, less of a vacation, or if i am going to find what i need here quickly and be ready to make my way back to durango. i dont know. in order to fully let the door swing open to me here... i need to close the one in durango... even if it just for a moment, or a month, or a couple weeks... it is time.
so thank you. thank you durango. thank you to all the people there, in it, doin' the human struggle. my love for you is unwavering. stronger even. but i need to be here. i need the space to be real, and i need to access and spread my fire in this new raw place, so i can return full and whole, healed.
i feel brave, courageous, and utterly frightened as i think about pressing the orange button labeled "publish post" but here goes nothin'.
today was one of the hardest days i have had since i arrived on the island... and it is just after noon...
working at pacific quest was really really hard. i worked with the adolescent boys, which ofcourse i loved, but it was so utterly different from my work at open sky that it is not even comparable. i literally have to leave all i know and am good at at the gate when i walk in in order to stifle my constant judgement and recurring feelings of dislike about the program. the kids don't know how to validate, or communicate their feelings directly to eachother... it isn't about the group, and the group dynamics, it is utterly about the individual and honing in on their own process... spending a lot of time with our good friend reflection, and a lot of time with our very difficult high maintenance friend accountability. since i was in the support role this week, i spent an absurd amount of time sitting... so much so that i was able to do an 8 mile run upon getting out of the field last night... and keep up easily with heidi. we were enclosed in very small area, and the land work we did all week was quite minimal to what i was expecting. the kids spend a lot of time sitting too... and the whole program revolves around food. which i also struggle with because of my relationship with food and the fact that i am gluten-free and there is gluten in most of the food. my stomach was rocked from the diet, and i really struggled again with that feeling of it just not being right.
however, i do think it is a good practice for me to see if i can bring my fire somewhere else that is not open sky... can i be successful at something else? because this is different... this is not WILDERNESS therapy, it is a residential therapeutic center with organic gardens. that is it, plain and simple.
i think i am going to give it one more week... it is so expensive to live here, and i really want to see what i can bring if i just LET GO of the fact that it is so different from open sky.
so letting go is my theme right now.
i need to find a way to be fully present here, and happy here, so that i know i can bring it with me anywhere i go. i need to truly focus on myself, and figure out what i want to do, without the hindrance or influence of anyone or anything else. it is really hard... i have already cried a small river this morning. i had news of japhy being a very bad dog... breaking and entering, running around at large, rumors of a bite occurring even to my dear friend cody.... something i never would have expected from my sweet gentle-natured dog. but i know how he gets when he is not with me... i had to call upon an old friend who really really pulled through. someone who i needed to forgive, and through this humbling act of asking/pleading/begging/crying on the phone for help, he instantly said "ofcourse megan." so thank you parker, for being the dear man that you are. i am working on letting go of the wounds we have created for each other, and remembering the good maybe in place of the bad for a little while, and forgiving you and forgiving me for our trials and tribulations, our winding, bending, bumpy crazy path we had together. you are doing me a huge favor.
now that japhy is going to be in a steady and consistent home... maybe i can stay here even longer. maybe i need to fully let go of durango for a little while, and find a way to make this home. there is a reason why i came here, there is a reason why i am still here, there is a reason why i effortlessly got the job with pacific quest in a place where it is impossible to find work... there are reasons. so the letting go ceremony that i had for myself out in the middle of kealakekua bay, the day before all the earthquakes happened is finally settling in. finally creating movement. it makes my heart thump really fast to think about it, but i know it is what i need to do. and i am not sure what that means for me. whether i am going to make this a more permanent home, less of a vacation, or if i am going to find what i need here quickly and be ready to make my way back to durango. i dont know. in order to fully let the door swing open to me here... i need to close the one in durango... even if it just for a moment, or a month, or a couple weeks... it is time.
so thank you. thank you durango. thank you to all the people there, in it, doin' the human struggle. my love for you is unwavering. stronger even. but i need to be here. i need the space to be real, and i need to access and spread my fire in this new raw place, so i can return full and whole, healed.
i feel brave, courageous, and utterly frightened as i think about pressing the orange button labeled "publish post" but here goes nothin'.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
life these days
life the past couple days has been a little bit crazy... when people say that you can't hide from your shit in hawaii.. they are totally right. certain messages have been coming through to me so clearly, i can't even quite believe it. never have i ever felt so strongly in my body a certain intuition or decision is right or wrong.
so in relation to that, i went to a hiring seminar with pacific quest (the wilderness therapy program out here), from sunday-tuesday, and got to see what the program was all about. it is a really cool and very very different program. the kids stay stationary for basically the entire time they are there... working on the land in each of their base camps.. growing things like cacao, greens, bananas, papaya, tomatos, egg plants... whatever you can think of, they probably have it growing. they do a lot of planting, weeding, digging, etc, all things that come with fantastic metaphors, and apply to their own personal growth. the catch is, that as i was sitting in the seminar, feeling moderately trapped inside this camp for a few days, feeling like my wild indigenous soul is being stifled, maybe suffocated (just to be a lil' dramatic), i got the most intense feeling that this is utterly not what i should be doing right now. it was so intense, i could feel it in my body and all my extremities, with my heart rate picking up to amazing paces, and my finger tips quivering and sweating, a rapid swirling moving from my gut all the way to my throat, and as i was trying to send collosal deep breaths down to the pit of my belly, i realized that this was my body's way of telling me that this is just not right. trust. trust in the ways of the world and yourself to be able to make it work here without falling back into this work right now. now is not the time, and this is not the way.
immediately following the seminar, they invited me on board and asked me if i would like to start thursday. and here is where my human fear is still present, and i can only be so hard on myself for this, i said "yea sure, i would love to give it a shot!" peppy and everything... relatively untrue to my true wants and needs. but reality has its way of setting in a bit... hawaii is a really expensive place to live. despite the fruit that drips off the trees, and the cheap local beef and fish, the gas prices are atrocious (at 4.58$/gallon), i told heidi i would help her with rent because i know i need a place to come home to and ground, anything gluten free is like 9$ a bag... although the good thing is i can't really go out to dinner because none of the restaurants are on the gluten free boat... AND there are all these things i want to do when i make it back to the mainland, like FINALLY find a place to live that i love, and do a vision quest with animas, and maybe take a detour to alaska to see the northern lights on the way to my sister's wedding, as well as wanting to start looking into owning a trusty vehicle.... responsibility. i have responsibilities now. and i want them there, i like them, and right now even though a tiny part of my feels like i am selling my soul... i am really not, i love doing this work, i love being outside, learning new things about the land (especially like growing FOOD), and we actually get to teach and come up with our own lessons for bits of the curriculum, and we have nights off every night so i can still run and train for the marathon, read, meditate, unwind fully each night. not so gosh darn bad... and as i am sitting here typing, and explaining to my community everything i am feeling... and although i know some of you are saying "dont do it! dont do it!" and others of you are saying, "megan relax, its ok, give it a shot" my heart slows its pace, and i am willing to fulfill my committment of showing up for work tomorrow, for yet another 8 day shift.
i am up to 12 miles running... we are gonna do the 12 mile loop the other day... heidi, patrick and i had an epic day on saturday. we ran this amazingly beautiful route, then went to this beautiful white sand beach for the day... equipped with turqoise waters and everything, and then snuck into this resort (which didnt require much sneaking, more like walking) and had tasty beverages and sat in this hot tub that was somewhat like a cover photo on a brochure for paradise... epic (did i mention that it was an epic day?).
tonight we are gonna do the 12 mile loop again... i am looking forward to it... who know running could be so fun/meditative?
the new moon is here today, and i must must must be intentional with it... it is time to put all these practices i have been using every day, fully into my life. i can be grounded and balanced and healthy, and it feels really good.
my dreams have been crazy... does anyone have any takes on dreams? resources? anything? i have been smudging myself before bed every night... and some times it helps, and sometimes it doesn't... suggestions?
they are often manifestations of my fears. atleast that is what i believe.
ok there is a small possibility you have stopped reading this by now. ;)
love love love! aloha.
so in relation to that, i went to a hiring seminar with pacific quest (the wilderness therapy program out here), from sunday-tuesday, and got to see what the program was all about. it is a really cool and very very different program. the kids stay stationary for basically the entire time they are there... working on the land in each of their base camps.. growing things like cacao, greens, bananas, papaya, tomatos, egg plants... whatever you can think of, they probably have it growing. they do a lot of planting, weeding, digging, etc, all things that come with fantastic metaphors, and apply to their own personal growth. the catch is, that as i was sitting in the seminar, feeling moderately trapped inside this camp for a few days, feeling like my wild indigenous soul is being stifled, maybe suffocated (just to be a lil' dramatic), i got the most intense feeling that this is utterly not what i should be doing right now. it was so intense, i could feel it in my body and all my extremities, with my heart rate picking up to amazing paces, and my finger tips quivering and sweating, a rapid swirling moving from my gut all the way to my throat, and as i was trying to send collosal deep breaths down to the pit of my belly, i realized that this was my body's way of telling me that this is just not right. trust. trust in the ways of the world and yourself to be able to make it work here without falling back into this work right now. now is not the time, and this is not the way.
immediately following the seminar, they invited me on board and asked me if i would like to start thursday. and here is where my human fear is still present, and i can only be so hard on myself for this, i said "yea sure, i would love to give it a shot!" peppy and everything... relatively untrue to my true wants and needs. but reality has its way of setting in a bit... hawaii is a really expensive place to live. despite the fruit that drips off the trees, and the cheap local beef and fish, the gas prices are atrocious (at 4.58$/gallon), i told heidi i would help her with rent because i know i need a place to come home to and ground, anything gluten free is like 9$ a bag... although the good thing is i can't really go out to dinner because none of the restaurants are on the gluten free boat... AND there are all these things i want to do when i make it back to the mainland, like FINALLY find a place to live that i love, and do a vision quest with animas, and maybe take a detour to alaska to see the northern lights on the way to my sister's wedding, as well as wanting to start looking into owning a trusty vehicle.... responsibility. i have responsibilities now. and i want them there, i like them, and right now even though a tiny part of my feels like i am selling my soul... i am really not, i love doing this work, i love being outside, learning new things about the land (especially like growing FOOD), and we actually get to teach and come up with our own lessons for bits of the curriculum, and we have nights off every night so i can still run and train for the marathon, read, meditate, unwind fully each night. not so gosh darn bad... and as i am sitting here typing, and explaining to my community everything i am feeling... and although i know some of you are saying "dont do it! dont do it!" and others of you are saying, "megan relax, its ok, give it a shot" my heart slows its pace, and i am willing to fulfill my committment of showing up for work tomorrow, for yet another 8 day shift.
i am up to 12 miles running... we are gonna do the 12 mile loop the other day... heidi, patrick and i had an epic day on saturday. we ran this amazingly beautiful route, then went to this beautiful white sand beach for the day... equipped with turqoise waters and everything, and then snuck into this resort (which didnt require much sneaking, more like walking) and had tasty beverages and sat in this hot tub that was somewhat like a cover photo on a brochure for paradise... epic (did i mention that it was an epic day?).
tonight we are gonna do the 12 mile loop again... i am looking forward to it... who know running could be so fun/meditative?
the new moon is here today, and i must must must be intentional with it... it is time to put all these practices i have been using every day, fully into my life. i can be grounded and balanced and healthy, and it feels really good.
my dreams have been crazy... does anyone have any takes on dreams? resources? anything? i have been smudging myself before bed every night... and some times it helps, and sometimes it doesn't... suggestions?
they are often manifestations of my fears. atleast that is what i believe.
ok there is a small possibility you have stopped reading this by now. ;)
love love love! aloha.
yaaay for big thighs!
the other day something happened to me
i looked down at my on-the-thicker-side-thighs
and said
thank you.
you are beautiful.
i looked down at my on-the-thicker-side-thighs
and said
thank you.
you are beautiful.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
barefoot jungle scramble...
this weekend was one of the greatest, fulfilling-on-many-levels weekends that i have had in a long time. it started out with a rough and lonely friday and ended with a rough and lonely monday but all the in betweens were definitely magical... the distraction in paradise sandwiched in between intense moments of healing and working through and letting go! we took off on saturday to head to a taj mahal show in honoka'a, a small quaint hawaiian town in the northern part of the island... a packed day with a 6.5 mile run on a winding road (more highway-ish than quiet, but quieter than around here), a swim and read on a beach in the very desert and very sunny part of the island, and then off to the show in a teeny theater... he played with three ukeleles, a bass, and some sort of slide ukelele... it was awesome! ended the encore with "lovin in my babies eyes"... perfect... we then swung up a series of winding hills to a camp sight in kalopa state park, and slept under this awning structure thing while it poured and poured and poured all night long... it was so awesome to sleep to the sound of the rain... we woke up and ate at a local fastfood place called tex's.. which i don't think i will frequent, and headed down into waipio valley... this was a rather epic experience and began with a very very steep walk down a four wheel drive road into the valley. my new found friends, kate, katie and i decided to hike back to this thousand or so foot waterfall... that we thought didnt look too far away... we had our shoes on for the first 10-15 minutes, and then got to a creek crossing/swim, and left all our shoes and belongings in the bushes... hence commenced the barefoot jungle scramble... we crossed the creek atleast 5 or 6 times, scrambled up and down boulders, walked through a bamboo forest, hanging vines, big heart-shaped leaves, and after about an 1.5 hours we finally reached the very tall waterfall that cascaded into a blue lagoon in what looked like a mossy green amphitheater. it was indeed a magical place.. the girls and i swam underneath the waterfall and let the water hit our faces... i found a little nook behind the waterfall and perched myself there before plunging back into the blue lagoon... ahhh i get a rush and big overwhelming bubble of love in my heart just recalling the experience... after swimming for a bit in the pool of redemption (hehe) we headed back down the creek bed to make it back to my other newly found friends and rides. it was a much shorter trek on the way back, although my feet were in a lot of pain... they were all tender and raw on the sharp lava rock that led us through our little jungle excursion. we hiked our way back up the very steep hill to the car, and took the long and beautiful drive through waimea to our little jungle abode in south kona.
i slept well that evening, and woke up feeling like i wanted to do it all over again, but maybe i had tuckered myself out, or maybe my body is still getting used to this wet and wonderful climate, because i was feeling very under the weather... oh well... excuse to face my own shit, cry a lil, and read harry potter... ah the great escape of harry potter... i have to say it brings me a lot of joy to curl up with harry, sirius black, and the weasley's... needing to get out of the house.. i escaped to buy greens (the ones in our garden are not up yet) and watch the sunset... which once again... was epic and lifted my spirits as it dripped its magenta-ness into the pacific ocean, and started to drizzle mildly once the lone magenta ball had made its way to rise up again somewhere else.
so i have been meditating almost every single day this week... for atleast a half hour, and this morning i sat for an entire hour! and i felt super energized and eager to start the day after.. it was awesome... norman is right... this meditation stuff really does work... not that i didnt believe him before, or practice what i preach in the field, but i have never really been this diligent about it.. it brings me to a state of compassion for myself, and that in turn has been helping with a LOT of other things...
so days consist of waking up around 630am, going to bed around 930!!!! meditation in am or right before bed, running, swimming, occasionally missing a certain someone, occasionally missing durango, lots of intention, love! and seeking adventures and people to show me the island life.
after this i am going to go paddle across the kealakekua bay on heidi's surfboard.. you should google it... or just come visit it... it is so beautiful and only ten minutes away from the lil jungle abode i am staying in. then i am gonna go for a run as the sun is setting... you convinced yet?
i slept well that evening, and woke up feeling like i wanted to do it all over again, but maybe i had tuckered myself out, or maybe my body is still getting used to this wet and wonderful climate, because i was feeling very under the weather... oh well... excuse to face my own shit, cry a lil, and read harry potter... ah the great escape of harry potter... i have to say it brings me a lot of joy to curl up with harry, sirius black, and the weasley's... needing to get out of the house.. i escaped to buy greens (the ones in our garden are not up yet) and watch the sunset... which once again... was epic and lifted my spirits as it dripped its magenta-ness into the pacific ocean, and started to drizzle mildly once the lone magenta ball had made its way to rise up again somewhere else.
so i have been meditating almost every single day this week... for atleast a half hour, and this morning i sat for an entire hour! and i felt super energized and eager to start the day after.. it was awesome... norman is right... this meditation stuff really does work... not that i didnt believe him before, or practice what i preach in the field, but i have never really been this diligent about it.. it brings me to a state of compassion for myself, and that in turn has been helping with a LOT of other things...
so days consist of waking up around 630am, going to bed around 930!!!! meditation in am or right before bed, running, swimming, occasionally missing a certain someone, occasionally missing durango, lots of intention, love! and seeking adventures and people to show me the island life.
after this i am going to go paddle across the kealakekua bay on heidi's surfboard.. you should google it... or just come visit it... it is so beautiful and only ten minutes away from the lil jungle abode i am staying in. then i am gonna go for a run as the sun is setting... you convinced yet?
Thursday, October 13, 2011
alas! rob brezny follows me to hawaii!
so i know you can check out rob brezny's free will astrology on the internet, but i was just sooo pleasantly surprised when i started flipping through the Big Island Weekly... and turned to page 9 to find my free will astrology still tangible and in hard copy at my finger tips! yay!
especially because my horoscope this week is just so darn applicable... so i wanted to share it:
you've got to cry one more tear before the pungent comedy will deliver its ultimate lesson and leave you in peace. you've got to make one further promise to yourself before you will be released from the twilight area where pain and pleasure became entangled. you've got to navigate your way through one more small surrender before you will be cleared to hunt down your rebirth in earnest. but meanwhile, the catharses and epiphanies just keep on erupting. you're growing more soulful and less subject to people's delusions by the minute. your rather unconventional attempts at healing are working-maybe not as rapidly as you'd like, but still they are working.
haha! yes! yes! yes! thanks rob brezny.
especially because my horoscope this week is just so darn applicable... so i wanted to share it:
you've got to cry one more tear before the pungent comedy will deliver its ultimate lesson and leave you in peace. you've got to make one further promise to yourself before you will be released from the twilight area where pain and pleasure became entangled. you've got to navigate your way through one more small surrender before you will be cleared to hunt down your rebirth in earnest. but meanwhile, the catharses and epiphanies just keep on erupting. you're growing more soulful and less subject to people's delusions by the minute. your rather unconventional attempts at healing are working-maybe not as rapidly as you'd like, but still they are working.
haha! yes! yes! yes! thanks rob brezny.
another real rainy day in captain cook
ain't so bad. the rain falls and the temp stays nice and warm, it has been raining since around 11 and i am still walking around in my tank top.. i am not turning as bronze as i would like however.. hehe.
i just indulged in my newly discovered guilty pleasure... a coconut milk iced vanilla latte, and the ice cubes are 100% kona coffee and the coconut milk stays separate from the coffee, and the coffee sits on the bottom and every time i take a sip of its not-too-sweet, strong-coffee-tasting, coconut-creamy-milky-goodness, a little part of my heart sings as all of my taste buds daaaance!
this morning i woke up at 530 and went for a run- about five miles...nothing to write home about i know... especially since i just signed up for a marathon! on the 11th of december.. come to honolulu and support it... needless to say, despite the not-so-very-impressive mileage of this morning's endeavor, i was inspired to enter... get myself in shape, occupy myself, have reasons to get out and explore while it is still dark (and yet oh so warm) in the morning... following the moon west as it sets over the pacific ocean. heidi's goal is to do this one really beautiful loop that is about 20 miles before the marathon... this means i will need to get back into my yoga practice too because ouch! my quads hurt! either way.. cultivating a bit of yang into my life and crossing another thing off of my not-yet-established bucket list ain't so bad.
i dropped heidi off today to go to work, and got to see even more of the island. the drive was epic, and i felt really content to just drive and see and stop along the way and listen to music and be with myself.
my list for this coming week involves, beach time, ceremony time, coffee shop time, searching for someone to surf with, getting on my bike, paddling out into the middle of kealakekua bay and maybe swimming the mile and a half across it, running, waking up before the sun, waiting for my kamana book to arrive, yoga, reading harry potter, continuing to make smoothies with the avocados and guavas i pick from the driveway, looking after our newly planted seedlings!... yay.
aloha (literal meaning: in the presence of the breath of life !!!)
i just indulged in my newly discovered guilty pleasure... a coconut milk iced vanilla latte, and the ice cubes are 100% kona coffee and the coconut milk stays separate from the coffee, and the coffee sits on the bottom and every time i take a sip of its not-too-sweet, strong-coffee-tasting, coconut-creamy-milky-goodness, a little part of my heart sings as all of my taste buds daaaance!
this morning i woke up at 530 and went for a run- about five miles...nothing to write home about i know... especially since i just signed up for a marathon! on the 11th of december.. come to honolulu and support it... needless to say, despite the not-so-very-impressive mileage of this morning's endeavor, i was inspired to enter... get myself in shape, occupy myself, have reasons to get out and explore while it is still dark (and yet oh so warm) in the morning... following the moon west as it sets over the pacific ocean. heidi's goal is to do this one really beautiful loop that is about 20 miles before the marathon... this means i will need to get back into my yoga practice too because ouch! my quads hurt! either way.. cultivating a bit of yang into my life and crossing another thing off of my not-yet-established bucket list ain't so bad.
i dropped heidi off today to go to work, and got to see even more of the island. the drive was epic, and i felt really content to just drive and see and stop along the way and listen to music and be with myself.
my list for this coming week involves, beach time, ceremony time, coffee shop time, searching for someone to surf with, getting on my bike, paddling out into the middle of kealakekua bay and maybe swimming the mile and a half across it, running, waking up before the sun, waiting for my kamana book to arrive, yoga, reading harry potter, continuing to make smoothies with the avocados and guavas i pick from the driveway, looking after our newly planted seedlings!... yay.
aloha (literal meaning: in the presence of the breath of life !!!)
Monday, October 10, 2011
aloooha.
well my welcome to hawaii has been really beautiful and inviting thus far. i got off the plane to a ti (pronouced tea) leaf lei, and a humungo hug from heidi. it was mostly smooth sailing/flying and an on-time arrival in kona...perfect. we then headed off to get some very fresh sushi, and watch bits and pieces of the ironman, which was finishing up right on the strip in kona. heidi then gave me a talk about how i need to be careful of my feet for the first few weeks because all the rocks are lava and they can be quite sharp... right before we jumped in the pacific (which is WARM) and i got baby sea urchin (we think) quills in my toe... some of which are still there. then heidi and her friend patrick took me to a kava bar, and i was able to relax while listening to a reggae singer by the name of bush mama, with dreadlocks down past her hips, sing her rather liberal and somewhat refreshing beliefs.
bed came as a warm, humid gift. and so did the morning. we got a text from patrick saying that the dolphins were out down at the kealakekua bay... which is where they tend to be around the time of the full moon... which is tonight... so we headed down there with a paddleboard, surfboard, and snorkeling mask, and paddled into the middle of the bay to swim with the dolphins. oh. my. god. the magic. these creatures are such beautiful representation of playfulness and joy. they would get about a foot away, and swim under me in schools or pods, and i felt like i was a mermaid and a child swimming with them and trying to imitate their motions and majestic way of moving through the water. spinner dolphins. that's what they are called.. they jump out of the water and spin in the air, and play with eachother by passing leaves that they find, and they sing their songs in the deep, and you can only hear it under water... clicking, chirping, each a musical voice in their choir... and even way out in the bay the water is so clear that you can see straight to the bottom, and so warm that stayed in it for probably an hour. we got to the bay at around 8 and pulled away around ten in the morning... one of the best mornings.
i saw a sea turtle yesterday as well... (so much life and fruit and beauty) they are called honu (pronounced hoe- new) ... he was an ancient, wrinkly, wise creature napping upon his arrival to the warm sand.
today was a bit slower of a day. i won't give you too much of a play by play... but we did eat an avocado from the front yard, and we did plant greens, and a mamaki (ayurvedic medicinal herb for general wellness-basically a native hawaiian nettle without the defensive spiky-ness) plant in the yard to mark my arrival to the island! so beautful!
my reduced intake of caffiene is not going so well... the kona coffee is amazing. and supposedly medium roast is stronger than dark roast because the coffee goes through less processing, and it tastes so much fresher, tangy, and strong... mmmmh..holy crow.
this afternoon leaving our little oasis on top of the hill, we saw a very rare hawk (the only species on the island), apparently it lives in our front yard some where and it had a little creature with a long tail in its talons. i got out of the car and it looked at me for a minute... gave me goosebumps... i do love to run into a winged creatures... i felt really blessed. the native hawaiians consider seeing one of these to be a good omen... they are called hawaiian hawks. look 'em up. beautiful.
right now i am sitting in a coffee shop sharing a fancy coffee drink with heidi that has kona coffee ice cubes in it, wearing skinny jeans and a t-shirt, feeling raw, new, excited, hopeful, and ready, willing. strawberry guavas and avocados line the road outside, and i am contemplating buying myself a organic cotton and bamboo skirt on the rack to my right. mmmh.
much love and aloha.
bed came as a warm, humid gift. and so did the morning. we got a text from patrick saying that the dolphins were out down at the kealakekua bay... which is where they tend to be around the time of the full moon... which is tonight... so we headed down there with a paddleboard, surfboard, and snorkeling mask, and paddled into the middle of the bay to swim with the dolphins. oh. my. god. the magic. these creatures are such beautiful representation of playfulness and joy. they would get about a foot away, and swim under me in schools or pods, and i felt like i was a mermaid and a child swimming with them and trying to imitate their motions and majestic way of moving through the water. spinner dolphins. that's what they are called.. they jump out of the water and spin in the air, and play with eachother by passing leaves that they find, and they sing their songs in the deep, and you can only hear it under water... clicking, chirping, each a musical voice in their choir... and even way out in the bay the water is so clear that you can see straight to the bottom, and so warm that stayed in it for probably an hour. we got to the bay at around 8 and pulled away around ten in the morning... one of the best mornings.
i saw a sea turtle yesterday as well... (so much life and fruit and beauty) they are called honu (pronounced hoe- new) ... he was an ancient, wrinkly, wise creature napping upon his arrival to the warm sand.
today was a bit slower of a day. i won't give you too much of a play by play... but we did eat an avocado from the front yard, and we did plant greens, and a mamaki (ayurvedic medicinal herb for general wellness-basically a native hawaiian nettle without the defensive spiky-ness) plant in the yard to mark my arrival to the island! so beautful!
my reduced intake of caffiene is not going so well... the kona coffee is amazing. and supposedly medium roast is stronger than dark roast because the coffee goes through less processing, and it tastes so much fresher, tangy, and strong... mmmmh..holy crow.
this afternoon leaving our little oasis on top of the hill, we saw a very rare hawk (the only species on the island), apparently it lives in our front yard some where and it had a little creature with a long tail in its talons. i got out of the car and it looked at me for a minute... gave me goosebumps... i do love to run into a winged creatures... i felt really blessed. the native hawaiians consider seeing one of these to be a good omen... they are called hawaiian hawks. look 'em up. beautiful.
right now i am sitting in a coffee shop sharing a fancy coffee drink with heidi that has kona coffee ice cubes in it, wearing skinny jeans and a t-shirt, feeling raw, new, excited, hopeful, and ready, willing. strawberry guavas and avocados line the road outside, and i am contemplating buying myself a organic cotton and bamboo skirt on the rack to my right. mmmh.
much love and aloha.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
some sort of goodbye...
shock, maybe is why i haven't sprawled myself out in the denver airport in hysterics screaming "WHY HAVE I LEFT THE ONLY PLACE I EVER CONSIDERED HOME?!?!" and yes this morning as the sun was rising i took my last look west at the la platas for atleast three months... leaving my dog, my lover, my job, my community, in a slightly romanticized lone search of healing and spiritual growth. flying over durango, i could see it all and the memories that went with each and every bit of landscape- the animas, silver, hogs back, the sleeping ute, mesa verde, durango lake, the great sweep of utah desert, i could practically pick out every house i have ever live in in durango, including the shallow canyone of lightner creek, i could practically see evan parking his car in front of his house, walking with a certain lightness to his step into his house to cuddle little bear for a moment, before making the first in a series of pots of tea for the day with intermittent interruptions to shoot his newly strung recurve... a block rises in my throat, but no tears yet... maybe i will forget to cry them by the time i get to hawaii and am swept away by hibiscus scented thick humid air and ocean foam on my naked body. probably not.
now i sit in the denver airport- amongst a sea of people awaiting to go on their vacation in hawaii-yes they are the people you expect still wearing their denver zoo t-shirts, and over-sized paisley purses and three backpack wearing kids- and yes i sound judgemental and i am just trying to help paint the picture. I could elaborate but i won't. i am sitting here with my computer and headphones, listening to the same songs over and over again, humming louder than i can actually tell, and cynically wishing they had something better for me to eat than a ten dollar soggy salad before i board the 7 hour flight. oh well, woe is me right? i am on my way to hawaii, where aside from hibiscus and ocean foam, i will be blessed and welcomed with the presence of my best friend, and i am sure mangos, avocados, coconut water galore when i land.
well here goes nothing... like this morning when i closed my eyes as the sun was rising to welcome the new day, and took the leap onto the airplane, i close my eyes and step onto my non-stop flight to kona.
thank you durango-friends, community, evan, open sky, mentors, teachers, love-i could go on and on and on...
'till next time.
now i sit in the denver airport- amongst a sea of people awaiting to go on their vacation in hawaii-yes they are the people you expect still wearing their denver zoo t-shirts, and over-sized paisley purses and three backpack wearing kids- and yes i sound judgemental and i am just trying to help paint the picture. I could elaborate but i won't. i am sitting here with my computer and headphones, listening to the same songs over and over again, humming louder than i can actually tell, and cynically wishing they had something better for me to eat than a ten dollar soggy salad before i board the 7 hour flight. oh well, woe is me right? i am on my way to hawaii, where aside from hibiscus and ocean foam, i will be blessed and welcomed with the presence of my best friend, and i am sure mangos, avocados, coconut water galore when i land.
well here goes nothing... like this morning when i closed my eyes as the sun was rising to welcome the new day, and took the leap onto the airplane, i close my eyes and step onto my non-stop flight to kona.
thank you durango-friends, community, evan, open sky, mentors, teachers, love-i could go on and on and on...
'till next time.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
mountain biking inspired metaphors for the day
the uphill is always always worth the downhill.
look where you want to go, not where you dont wanna go.
these will be the foundation of my mountain biking wilderness therapy program... hehe
look where you want to go, not where you dont wanna go.
these will be the foundation of my mountain biking wilderness therapy program... hehe
Thursday, September 29, 2011
where to begin?
i have once again been entranced by the onset of fall
the neverendingly enticing blue shadow evening of the west
beckoning me
sending thunder beings out in search of
me in search of myself
why this again?
every year brings with it these shadows
i can only welcome them.
and remember that i find comfort in the still hot smell of juniper thick in my nostrils in the desert
and the new familiar chill that brings the aspen trees their yellow gift to give
and the far away thought of winter and snow
and hunkering.
it is time to let the autumnal waters do their healing
wash away flakes of heart that have been around too long
no more resistance
where to begin?
the neverendingly enticing blue shadow evening of the west
beckoning me
sending thunder beings out in search of
me in search of myself
why this again?
every year brings with it these shadows
i can only welcome them.
and remember that i find comfort in the still hot smell of juniper thick in my nostrils in the desert
and the new familiar chill that brings the aspen trees their yellow gift to give
and the far away thought of winter and snow
and hunkering.
it is time to let the autumnal waters do their healing
wash away flakes of heart that have been around too long
no more resistance
where to begin?
Friday, September 23, 2011
ode to mary oliver
some day that will be the title of a poem i write
but for now i share a poem that was read in my presence
and struck a heart chord for me:
but for now i share a poem that was read in my presence
and struck a heart chord for me:
West Wind #2
You are young. So you know everything. You leap
into the boat and begin rowing. But listen to me.
Without fanfare, without embarrassment, without
any doubt, I talk directly to your soul. Listen to me.
Lift the oars from the water, let your arms rest, and
your heart, and heart’s little intelligence, and listen to
me. There is life without love. It is not worth a bent
penny, or a scuffed shoe. It is not worth the body of a
dead dog nine days unburied. When you hear, a mile
away and still out of sight, the churn of the water
as it begins to swirl and roil, fretting around the
sharp rocks – when you hear that unmistakable
pounding – when you feel the mist on your mouth
and sense ahead the embattlement, the long falls
plunging and steaming – then row, row for your life
toward it.
~ Mary Oliver ~
love for yourself can be rowing with all your might towards the storm? i like it.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
another untitled rather personal poem i wanted to share
how can i be like the mountain?
one of the only things in this world i have gotten down on my knees and bowed to
how can i be like the lake that just
is
and sparkles when
it rains and
lets it all flow in then flow out
how can i be like the wind that sets a chill
down my bones as it
carresses my cheeks then
is off on its merry way again?
how can i be like the yellow on this
hillside-the autumnal fading
of the skunk cabbage in the high country-
only to die, and grow again
fed by stark and shadowy
winter?
how can i be like the thunder
sending its dance through the valley
always following the light-
ning
how can i be like the summer time-
green, lush, moist with the earthy kiss
always leaving
always coming back
how can i welcome the chills all over my body
the pit at the center of my stomach
the looming storm
how can i welcome winter back
year after year
and always expect summer
and welcome back love
and moist dirt earthy kisses
how can i sit in the rain
and know when it is time to stop
sitting in the rain?
how do i know when i have sat in the rain long enough?
one of the only things in this world i have gotten down on my knees and bowed to
how can i be like the lake that just
is
and sparkles when
it rains and
lets it all flow in then flow out
how can i be like the wind that sets a chill
down my bones as it
carresses my cheeks then
is off on its merry way again?
how can i be like the yellow on this
hillside-the autumnal fading
of the skunk cabbage in the high country-
only to die, and grow again
fed by stark and shadowy
winter?
how can i be like the thunder
sending its dance through the valley
always following the light-
ning
how can i be like the summer time-
green, lush, moist with the earthy kiss
always leaving
always coming back
how can i welcome the chills all over my body
the pit at the center of my stomach
the looming storm
how can i welcome winter back
year after year
and always expect summer
and welcome back love
and moist dirt earthy kisses
how can i sit in the rain
and know when it is time to stop
sitting in the rain?
how do i know when i have sat in the rain long enough?
Saturday, September 10, 2011
another almost rainy day in durango
not to say that this happens frequently by any means in a place like durango, but the past two days have been one of the 60 non-days of sunshine in a while. i can't say i mind it- it matches my own familiar melancholy, and i appreciate the excuse it gives me to sit in a coffee shop and drink a good pour over house blend, and write. lil miss lori cheever explained to me the other day that my blog was like a quick glance on the inner workings of my mind- i am not so sure how i feel about that, but i do know that it is turning into quite the lil hobby and that being real and relatively vulnerable in most of my endeavors is kind of how i work. it doesn't always work out in my best interest, but i think i am starting to get the hang of it more and more... allowing it to be my greatest gift and NOT my greatest demise.
i have been trying to think of a way that i can hone in my blog a little bit more...
i want to be able to offer something to people who read this, other than lil pieces of my heart that someone might nor really want or feel awkward about recieving. but that might mean i have to learn a skill or trade or topic to cover like knitting, or baking pies, or canning food, or politics, or sex, well enough to be able to teach it... and i dont quite have the time for that at the moment seeing as i am about to be single and moving to hawaii. although, there are a plethora of skills and trades and knowings of the world that i would love to explore and share and know well enough to teach (politics maybe not so much... but i do need to work on my naivete of the subject). ok moving on from my incessant rambling.. i do have something i wanted to offer to anybody who comes across this post.
it has to do with the melancholy of this almost rainy day, and the soft footsteps of autumn approaching-the slightly less vibrantly green trees, the way the day looks like it posseses a bite of chill to it, but really it is just a kiss, the fact that we can ride phil's world in the mid-day sun, and find a parking spot on main on a saturday, the little hole in my heart that has begun to form in the absense of summer sweat, and watching my friends and loved ones go through new cycles, endings to form new beginnings, closing doors to open new ones, times they are a-changing... so here is a little prayer... for anyone and everyone experiencing transition, little and larger holes in the heart, endings for beginnings, the bite of loneliness instead of the kiss of partnership... someday i will write my own, for now i borrow the words of Rabbi Rami M. Shapiro:
Life and death,
a twisted vine sharing a single root.
A water bright green
stretching to top a twisted yellow
only to wither itself
as another green unfolds overhead.
One leaf atop another
yet under the next;
a vibrant tapestry of arcs and falls
all in the act of becoming.
Death is the passing of life.
And life
is the stringing together of so many little passings.
i have been trying to think of a way that i can hone in my blog a little bit more...
i want to be able to offer something to people who read this, other than lil pieces of my heart that someone might nor really want or feel awkward about recieving. but that might mean i have to learn a skill or trade or topic to cover like knitting, or baking pies, or canning food, or politics, or sex, well enough to be able to teach it... and i dont quite have the time for that at the moment seeing as i am about to be single and moving to hawaii. although, there are a plethora of skills and trades and knowings of the world that i would love to explore and share and know well enough to teach (politics maybe not so much... but i do need to work on my naivete of the subject). ok moving on from my incessant rambling.. i do have something i wanted to offer to anybody who comes across this post.
it has to do with the melancholy of this almost rainy day, and the soft footsteps of autumn approaching-the slightly less vibrantly green trees, the way the day looks like it posseses a bite of chill to it, but really it is just a kiss, the fact that we can ride phil's world in the mid-day sun, and find a parking spot on main on a saturday, the little hole in my heart that has begun to form in the absense of summer sweat, and watching my friends and loved ones go through new cycles, endings to form new beginnings, closing doors to open new ones, times they are a-changing... so here is a little prayer... for anyone and everyone experiencing transition, little and larger holes in the heart, endings for beginnings, the bite of loneliness instead of the kiss of partnership... someday i will write my own, for now i borrow the words of Rabbi Rami M. Shapiro:
Life and death,
a twisted vine sharing a single root.
A water bright green
stretching to top a twisted yellow
only to wither itself
as another green unfolds overhead.
One leaf atop another
yet under the next;
a vibrant tapestry of arcs and falls
all in the act of becoming.
Death is the passing of life.
And life
is the stringing together of so many little passings.
Friday, September 9, 2011
coffee steak and tears
i think jack kerouac could maybe have taken this on a bit better than me, but nonetheless i am going to give it a shot- my writing tends to take on the form of stream of consciousness, and when i just let my mind relax into, it my hands can truly become an extension of my heart even if they are typing and creating and translating onto a screen although i do prefer a ball-point pen and acid-free paper. poetry is sometimes the easier venue, and sometimes a just ramble will do the trick...maybe a bit of both-
the feeling of coffee in my gut right now actually brings me back to that wet tuesday morning among the ponderosa pines, the lone woman (of which there is no doubt i am proud) amongst my tears and the tears of 6 men. its not very often that a sacred experience such as that invites you to sit in on its sacred circle.
how lucky we are, the thought and truth of all of us present in that extended moment. i walked in on a cloud of smoke from the grill upon which steaks were being prepared for a hardy last breakfast with derek daley. it is also the last time i will sit in that circle next to the cabin with my love, evan, and trusty co-workers/friends billy, hunter, karl, wes... we are all embarking on transition, the edge of newness, the extenstion of our boundaries and comfort zones-the feeding frenzy for the soul- the image of each of us riding into the sunset on a trusty steed was planted in my head yesterday as hunter composed his version of coffee steak and tears, and the fact that we were all given a willow spirit horse, a little gift, a little common token of gratitude and connection.
it all started in circles, for all of us as we began our journey at open sky. different circles at different times, and we all communed together "a community from within" in this one circle, the pinnacle of our time at open sky, the opening of our hearts, the relaxation of our indigenous wild spirits in the place they are most welcome. i speak for everyone in this moment because this was my genuine experience of this particular circle, and i come back to speaking only for myself.
how lucky am i?
to be a raw witness and
witness the raw, and
be a seeker of truth among
other truth seekers
and walk a path paved
by orion himself in the
delaying darkness of a tuesday
dew morning
and be on the brink of
change
and watch changing
men walking
the path paved by the setting
sun and rising
smoke
keep accepting the
invitation to
sit in circles
keep pushing your
boundaries and
exploring the
feeding frenzy of the soul
open your eyes to tears
open your ears to the breeze
i love you all.
thank you for sharing yourselves with me.
the feeling of coffee in my gut right now actually brings me back to that wet tuesday morning among the ponderosa pines, the lone woman (of which there is no doubt i am proud) amongst my tears and the tears of 6 men. its not very often that a sacred experience such as that invites you to sit in on its sacred circle.
how lucky we are, the thought and truth of all of us present in that extended moment. i walked in on a cloud of smoke from the grill upon which steaks were being prepared for a hardy last breakfast with derek daley. it is also the last time i will sit in that circle next to the cabin with my love, evan, and trusty co-workers/friends billy, hunter, karl, wes... we are all embarking on transition, the edge of newness, the extenstion of our boundaries and comfort zones-the feeding frenzy for the soul- the image of each of us riding into the sunset on a trusty steed was planted in my head yesterday as hunter composed his version of coffee steak and tears, and the fact that we were all given a willow spirit horse, a little gift, a little common token of gratitude and connection.
it all started in circles, for all of us as we began our journey at open sky. different circles at different times, and we all communed together "a community from within" in this one circle, the pinnacle of our time at open sky, the opening of our hearts, the relaxation of our indigenous wild spirits in the place they are most welcome. i speak for everyone in this moment because this was my genuine experience of this particular circle, and i come back to speaking only for myself.
how lucky am i?
to be a raw witness and
witness the raw, and
be a seeker of truth among
other truth seekers
and walk a path paved
by orion himself in the
delaying darkness of a tuesday
dew morning
and be on the brink of
change
and watch changing
men walking
the path paved by the setting
sun and rising
smoke
keep accepting the
invitation to
sit in circles
keep pushing your
boundaries and
exploring the
feeding frenzy of the soul
open your eyes to tears
open your ears to the breeze
i love you all.
thank you for sharing yourselves with me.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
chapter 717 of this life-
-slowly creeps itself around the corner... showing up in the form of wraiths and ghostly figures beckoning me towards what seems like darkness but really it just the unknown. leaving everything that i have found comfortable and comfortably uncomfortable for the past two and a half years. to name a few: my man, my dog, my job, the utah desert, friends and connections lost and refound, the san juans, osha, aspen trees, winter time, snow boots, apples, the list goes on and on- all that i appreciate and love about this place, my home, my sanctuary, and my hell- to leave it all indefinitely scares me and makes me wanna curl up, watch chick flicks, and cry.
this vacation off from work has been epic in a lot of ways... ranging from dramatic emotion and being told i am a "lovely trainwreck" to grieving, healing, being in the wild with females/getting a dose of my own wilderness therapy, getting a tattoo and truly devoting myself/my spirit to joy, and moving out of the only place i have lived in the last year (which is out of 3) that has truly felt like home despite the crowded chaos of the kitchen and the dark living room. today is sunday, which is my favorite of the seven days of the week; it is always my perfect excuse to stay home and watch a movie, especially when the clouds are looming as they are today. i spent the last week in the wilderness with two wonderful ladies and two wonderful dogs. i couldn't believe the vast landscape of my heart that was provoked and spilling out all over the place as i walked, came upon high alpine lakes, dreamed vivid dreams, and sat with myself before the sunrise. a few highlights included spontaneously stripping down into nude-ness and jumping in the pine river, deciding to call the day short at a spot called moon lake, and rejoice in the incessant wetness of the misty rain afternoon- journaling and distracting myself with harry potter (my first go at the books by the way). another moment i reluctantly and hopefully share is my sudden surge of emotion that caused me to scream and hurl rather large rocks into the pine river (5 or 6 as an attempt to be exact), releasing emotion, persistent circular thoughts, fears, and finally dropping myself out of my head into an adrenaline filled body, guided by truth and heart. this happened on the last day a couple hours before it began to downpour and we all decided to forgo our rain gear, and just walk getting drenched, and soaking up the last bits of our journey together- ready to take in any last gift the wilderness had to offer.
i always feel like i am walking my path when i find myself in truly wild places-waking with sunrise-mornings i wish would never end- and crawling into my bed when the last of the blue shadow evening has faded into darkness. simplicity, and evoking exploration beyond anything that can exist in four walls.
so now i am sitting in a room- four walls that have provoked much exploration for me since i have moved in here, and are getting closer and closer to being empty. just a few things linger here, mostly dirt and p-chord, but many many memories that i will keep close to my heart despite their nature. thick raindrops have just begun pelting the leaves outside the window, bringing back memories of candlelit nights where there was no where i would rather be than here on this bed, with my lover, listening to rain, or feeling the moonlight seep in through the small east-facing window. ode to this odd-shaped, terribly insulated room! ode to lovers' arms! ode to moving in, and moving out! ode to the creeping up of my next chapter!
this vacation off from work has been epic in a lot of ways... ranging from dramatic emotion and being told i am a "lovely trainwreck" to grieving, healing, being in the wild with females/getting a dose of my own wilderness therapy, getting a tattoo and truly devoting myself/my spirit to joy, and moving out of the only place i have lived in the last year (which is out of 3) that has truly felt like home despite the crowded chaos of the kitchen and the dark living room. today is sunday, which is my favorite of the seven days of the week; it is always my perfect excuse to stay home and watch a movie, especially when the clouds are looming as they are today. i spent the last week in the wilderness with two wonderful ladies and two wonderful dogs. i couldn't believe the vast landscape of my heart that was provoked and spilling out all over the place as i walked, came upon high alpine lakes, dreamed vivid dreams, and sat with myself before the sunrise. a few highlights included spontaneously stripping down into nude-ness and jumping in the pine river, deciding to call the day short at a spot called moon lake, and rejoice in the incessant wetness of the misty rain afternoon- journaling and distracting myself with harry potter (my first go at the books by the way). another moment i reluctantly and hopefully share is my sudden surge of emotion that caused me to scream and hurl rather large rocks into the pine river (5 or 6 as an attempt to be exact), releasing emotion, persistent circular thoughts, fears, and finally dropping myself out of my head into an adrenaline filled body, guided by truth and heart. this happened on the last day a couple hours before it began to downpour and we all decided to forgo our rain gear, and just walk getting drenched, and soaking up the last bits of our journey together- ready to take in any last gift the wilderness had to offer.
i always feel like i am walking my path when i find myself in truly wild places-waking with sunrise-mornings i wish would never end- and crawling into my bed when the last of the blue shadow evening has faded into darkness. simplicity, and evoking exploration beyond anything that can exist in four walls.
so now i am sitting in a room- four walls that have provoked much exploration for me since i have moved in here, and are getting closer and closer to being empty. just a few things linger here, mostly dirt and p-chord, but many many memories that i will keep close to my heart despite their nature. thick raindrops have just begun pelting the leaves outside the window, bringing back memories of candlelit nights where there was no where i would rather be than here on this bed, with my lover, listening to rain, or feeling the moonlight seep in through the small east-facing window. ode to this odd-shaped, terribly insulated room! ode to lovers' arms! ode to moving in, and moving out! ode to the creeping up of my next chapter!
Friday, August 12, 2011
right now
i am sitting in the kitchen in between two computer screens, the one that i am typing on, and the other playing "dog days are over" by florence and the machine, along with a few other songs i am about to line up on grooveshark... the song starts out like:
happiness hit her like a train on a track/ coming towards her, stuck no turning back/ she hid around corners and she hid under beds/ killed it with kisses and from it she fled/ with every bubble she sank with a drink/ and washed it away down the sink
hiding from happiness? love maybe? truth? governed by fear and what it can really be like to take the risk and move into a place of real hard contentment with life...
my ears have recently been spending most of their time listening to happy, somewhat dramatic, and on the edge of empowering bands like the morning benders, foster the people, florence and the machine, mumford and sons, and a few singer-songwriters that make me wish and believe that i will be a singer-songwriter in my next life. Evan calls it my hipster music, which actually makes me smile a little bit inside because i wish i could dress as well as the hipsters that stroll valencia in san fran... but once again-not for this lifetime, plus obscurity loses its attractiveness to me pretty quick.
onto a less- satisfying and invigorating topic, i just recently found out (as in yesterday morning) that i have an autoimmune disease called hashimoto's thyroiditis. this means that all of the good antibodies in my immune system that are supposed to be fighting off disease cannot tell the difference between healthy and non-healthy tissues and have begun to attack the healthy tissue of my thyroid. this causes me to have an array of symptoms that have felt somewhat unexplained and unprompted until i found this out. fatigue, lethargy, depression, heart burn, my metabolism switching from being very slow to pretty fast (hyper- and hypo-thyroid-ness), no wonder motivation to exercise can be SO hard. in some ways it is a bit of a relief to finally know whats wrong, and finally begin to start focused treatment with my naturopath... in other ways it is a bit scary, definitely very fresh and unknown, i can never eat gluten again, and by that i mean i can't even use a cutting board that has just had bread on it, or use shampoo or soap that has wheat protein in it or oats... this means i have to be a high maintenance customer whenever i go out and maybe even walk out of a place if they can't guarantee that nothing is cross contaminated with gluten- high maintenance.... yikes. so i am on the search for research... books, websites, helpful resources of any kind in order to really nail this thing as i work to rebuild the lining of my stomach and start taking 15,000 iu of vitamin d a daaayyy! holy smokes. so if anyone reads this... which i am not sure they do, any info or suggestions are highly appreciated. a good thing is that my naturopath believes it can be corrected if i am really diligent with it right now... it is extremely rare for someone in the twenties to have this disease, most people who have it are women in their fifties, but it can definitely be genetic, which i think might be the case for me. by the time people are in their fifties their thyroid has already become hypo, and mine can still be regulated... so we will see how things turn out...
this is a big time in my life... i just found out i have hashimoto's and i have been looking at applying to a program called pacific quest located in hawaii... a new place and life to explore beyond the comfort of my little mountain town of durango where my heart will probably stay and return to for a long time.
happiness hit her like a train on a track/ coming towards her, stuck no turning back/ she hid around corners and she hid under beds/ killed it with kisses and from it she fled/ with every bubble she sank with a drink/ and washed it away down the sink
hiding from happiness? love maybe? truth? governed by fear and what it can really be like to take the risk and move into a place of real hard contentment with life...
my ears have recently been spending most of their time listening to happy, somewhat dramatic, and on the edge of empowering bands like the morning benders, foster the people, florence and the machine, mumford and sons, and a few singer-songwriters that make me wish and believe that i will be a singer-songwriter in my next life. Evan calls it my hipster music, which actually makes me smile a little bit inside because i wish i could dress as well as the hipsters that stroll valencia in san fran... but once again-not for this lifetime, plus obscurity loses its attractiveness to me pretty quick.
onto a less- satisfying and invigorating topic, i just recently found out (as in yesterday morning) that i have an autoimmune disease called hashimoto's thyroiditis. this means that all of the good antibodies in my immune system that are supposed to be fighting off disease cannot tell the difference between healthy and non-healthy tissues and have begun to attack the healthy tissue of my thyroid. this causes me to have an array of symptoms that have felt somewhat unexplained and unprompted until i found this out. fatigue, lethargy, depression, heart burn, my metabolism switching from being very slow to pretty fast (hyper- and hypo-thyroid-ness), no wonder motivation to exercise can be SO hard. in some ways it is a bit of a relief to finally know whats wrong, and finally begin to start focused treatment with my naturopath... in other ways it is a bit scary, definitely very fresh and unknown, i can never eat gluten again, and by that i mean i can't even use a cutting board that has just had bread on it, or use shampoo or soap that has wheat protein in it or oats... this means i have to be a high maintenance customer whenever i go out and maybe even walk out of a place if they can't guarantee that nothing is cross contaminated with gluten- high maintenance.... yikes. so i am on the search for research... books, websites, helpful resources of any kind in order to really nail this thing as i work to rebuild the lining of my stomach and start taking 15,000 iu of vitamin d a daaayyy! holy smokes. so if anyone reads this... which i am not sure they do, any info or suggestions are highly appreciated. a good thing is that my naturopath believes it can be corrected if i am really diligent with it right now... it is extremely rare for someone in the twenties to have this disease, most people who have it are women in their fifties, but it can definitely be genetic, which i think might be the case for me. by the time people are in their fifties their thyroid has already become hypo, and mine can still be regulated... so we will see how things turn out...
this is a big time in my life... i just found out i have hashimoto's and i have been looking at applying to a program called pacific quest located in hawaii... a new place and life to explore beyond the comfort of my little mountain town of durango where my heart will probably stay and return to for a long time.
Monday, August 1, 2011
a rather personal poem i wanted to share
but why does the mind always
have to be convinced of truth?
truth is in the feeling of my ankle
on this wood floor
it is in the opening of my body
to my lover
it is in my hand being an extension
of the heart
and the fact that
i cant let that line go
truth is in the relaxation
of my feet in the ocean
swallowing smooth cool
waves
in the fear of being alone
in the dark
in the summer moon
hung sultry
in august
in the exaltation of a heart basking in the presence of another- not
in the grey locomotive drone of thoughts
loud-thick-fleeting-repeating
not in the dark spiral
though endless, inviting
truth is
in the opening where
dark spiral turns to light
have to be convinced of truth?
truth is in the feeling of my ankle
on this wood floor
it is in the opening of my body
to my lover
it is in my hand being an extension
of the heart
and the fact that
i cant let that line go
truth is in the relaxation
of my feet in the ocean
swallowing smooth cool
waves
in the fear of being alone
in the dark
in the summer moon
hung sultry
in august
in the exaltation of a heart basking in the presence of another- not
in the grey locomotive drone of thoughts
loud-thick-fleeting-repeating
not in the dark spiral
though endless, inviting
truth is
in the opening where
dark spiral turns to light
the green dress
in relation to my last post, i want to take a couple minutes to write about the green dress. i used this metaphor once in order to describe to a student what it can be like to go home (especially after being in wilderness), and the patterns, no matter how old, that we often succumb to upon returning home no matter who we are or where we are coming from. the metaphor went as such; there is a green dress that hangs in my old closet, outside of my old room, in my dad's house, at the top of the darker staircase that leads to my room. i created it when i was in high school, when i secretly wanted to wear black to reflect my mood, and when the cracks around the door frame of my room were first born (my technique of open, slam, open slam...) getting the picture? unfortunately, every time i return home, i find the dress to be just as seductive as the last time, marching up the stairs, putting it on over my head to find that it is just as form fitting as ever. i tend to cry a lot, and prove to my parents and sisters that nothing really has changed and that they are right, i am still the same person i was in high school, lost, confused, angry, attention seeking in all the wrong ways: WOULD SOMEBODY JUST LOVE ME EVEN THOUGH I AM ACTING LIKE A TOTAL ASSHOLE???
but not this time. no, i didn't do it. the dress sat, hung, in my closet. and don't get me wrong, i opened the closet a few times, i caressed the white lace frills on the sleeves, the 3 silk buttons marching down the breast twirled within my thumb and fore finger, and something kept me from tossing that long-sleeved, down to my ankles, sea foam green dress on over my head. maybe i have better style? or because i am not truly a hipster at heart? or maybe taking a couple deep breaths really does work, and maybe bringing the calm, curious presence of my man home with me has something to do with it as well. either way, i left new hampshire with an ancient feeling of anxiety AND a little more faith in myself, and a little more faith in my relationship with my sisters (especially allie, if you're reading this).
but not this time. no, i didn't do it. the dress sat, hung, in my closet. and don't get me wrong, i opened the closet a few times, i caressed the white lace frills on the sleeves, the 3 silk buttons marching down the breast twirled within my thumb and fore finger, and something kept me from tossing that long-sleeved, down to my ankles, sea foam green dress on over my head. maybe i have better style? or because i am not truly a hipster at heart? or maybe taking a couple deep breaths really does work, and maybe bringing the calm, curious presence of my man home with me has something to do with it as well. either way, i left new hampshire with an ancient feeling of anxiety AND a little more faith in myself, and a little more faith in my relationship with my sisters (especially allie, if you're reading this).
Friday, June 17, 2011
week three off from work
vacation has been interesting and fulfilling thus far. i am currently sitting in the exact spot i wrote countless high school papers. ofcourse the computer has changed, given the approximate three year life span and the approximate 7 years that it has been since i left new hampshire. but aside from the colors on the walls, and a few peices of furniture, this house still feels the same in mid-june as it always did. although i would fight to the death to deny it, there is a part of my soul that feels really saturated with being here. the green, the humidity, the mists of the ocean have become so unfamiliar to me in the red sands of colorado. there, i jump up and down at the sight of riparian environment, the discovery of a new river, any moisture i can find; here, it is all around me, bursting and lush. my dad's garden is still moist from getting watered a few days ago; we wouldn't have to water seedlings three times a day to support growth like we do in the desert, everything lives with a different kind of ease here. although, i don't remember it being easy...
it is kind of a trip thumbing through old pictures of myself, old stories i wrote, journal entries filled with darkness and woe and insecurity from the extensive exhausting dramatic episodes of my teenage years. needless to say, things have gotten a bit better since then. even in recent years, visiting "home" has always been a chore, but not today, today it feels good, my roots are still in tact, although it's only been 24 hours.
it is kind of a trip thumbing through old pictures of myself, old stories i wrote, journal entries filled with darkness and woe and insecurity from the extensive exhausting dramatic episodes of my teenage years. needless to say, things have gotten a bit better since then. even in recent years, visiting "home" has always been a chore, but not today, today it feels good, my roots are still in tact, although it's only been 24 hours.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
girl.
she
who worships the secret smile of the rain clouds
dances among the calamities of the universe
finds peace and strength
in the rawness and force that is
all the allisons in her life
finds compassion for the darkness
and sometimes seeks comfort
in lurking there
among other darkness dwellers
she is a child of the swell and mists
a messenger from the rocky shores
a courier
smoke from an ancient pipe
a warrior of the endless mystery of the
moon
who worships the secret smile of the rain clouds
dances among the calamities of the universe
finds peace and strength
in the rawness and force that is
all the allisons in her life
finds compassion for the darkness
and sometimes seeks comfort
in lurking there
among other darkness dwellers
she is a child of the swell and mists
a messenger from the rocky shores
a courier
smoke from an ancient pipe
a warrior of the endless mystery of the
moon
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