letting go.

holy hard day.
today was one of the hardest days i have had since i arrived on the island... and it is just after noon...
working at pacific quest was really really hard. i worked with the adolescent boys, which ofcourse i loved, but it was so utterly different from my work at open sky that it is not even comparable.  i literally have to leave all i know and am good at at the gate when i walk in in order to stifle my constant judgement and recurring feelings of dislike about the program.  the kids don't know how to validate, or communicate their feelings directly to eachother... it isn't about the group, and the group dynamics, it is utterly about the individual and honing in on their own process... spending a lot of time with our good friend reflection, and a lot of time with our very difficult high maintenance friend accountability.  since i was in the support role this week, i spent an absurd amount of time sitting... so much so that i was able to do an 8 mile run upon getting out of the field last night... and keep up easily with heidi.  we were enclosed in very small area, and the land work we did all week was quite minimal to what i was expecting.  the kids spend a lot of time sitting too... and the whole program revolves around food.  which i also struggle with because of my relationship with food and the fact that i am gluten-free and there is gluten in most of the food.  my stomach was rocked from the diet, and i really struggled again with that feeling of it just not being right. 
however, i do think it is a good practice for me to see if i can bring my fire somewhere else that is not open sky... can i be successful at something else? because this is different... this is not WILDERNESS therapy, it is a residential therapeutic center with organic gardens.  that is it, plain and simple. 
i think i am going to give it one more week... it is so expensive to live here, and i really want to see what i can bring if i just LET GO of the fact that it is so different from open sky. 

so letting go is my theme right now.

i need to find a way to be fully present here, and happy here, so that i know i can bring it with me anywhere i go.  i need to truly focus on myself, and figure out what i want to do, without the hindrance or influence of anyone or anything else.  it is really hard... i have already cried a small river this morning.  i had news of japhy being a very bad dog... breaking and entering, running around at large, rumors of a bite occurring even to my dear friend cody.... something i never would have expected from my sweet gentle-natured dog.  but i know how he gets when he is not with me... i had to call upon an old friend who really really pulled through.  someone who i needed to forgive, and through this humbling act of asking/pleading/begging/crying on the phone for help, he instantly said "ofcourse megan."  so thank you parker, for being the dear man that you are.  i am working on letting go of the wounds we have created for each other, and remembering the good maybe in place of the bad for a little while, and forgiving you and forgiving me for our trials and tribulations, our winding, bending, bumpy crazy path we had together.  you are doing me a huge favor.

now that japhy is going to be in a steady and consistent home... maybe i can stay here even longer.  maybe i need to fully let go of durango for a little while, and find a way to make this home.  there is a reason why i came here, there is a reason why i am still here, there is a reason why i effortlessly got the job with pacific quest in a place where it is impossible to find work... there are reasons.  so the letting go ceremony that i had for myself out in the middle of kealakekua bay, the day before all the earthquakes happened is finally settling in.  finally creating movement.  it makes my heart thump really fast to think about it, but i know it is what i need to do.  and i am not sure what that means for me.  whether i am going to make this a more permanent home, less of a vacation, or if i am going to find what i need here quickly and be ready to make my way back to durango.  i dont know.  in order to fully let the door swing open to me here... i need to close the one in durango... even if it just for a moment, or a month, or a couple weeks... it is time.

so thank you. thank you durango.  thank you to all the people there, in it, doin' the human struggle.  my love for you is unwavering.  stronger even.  but i need to be here.  i need the space to be real, and i need to access and spread my fire in this new raw place, so i can return full and whole, healed.

i feel brave, courageous, and utterly frightened as i think about pressing the orange button labeled "publish post" but here goes nothin'.