ebenezer scrooge gets the holiday blues and cures it through giving thanks to you!

wow, welcome to my tri-annual mercury in retrograde struggle.  yesterday i spent most of the day feeling and wondering if mercury was going to go into retrograde, and when i checked my calendar, it turned out that today is actually the day.  not to sound to woo woo, but i am notoriously spacy, laden with bad luck and unable to control my bad communication habits (not to play the victim or anything).  today, the day before thanksgiving, this fine beautiful sunny and 80 degree 23rd of december, i feel sad and confused. doin the human struggle! doin the human struggle! (i feel like i should come up with a lil shimmy for that!)

i just talked to my dad and two of my sisters on the phone (my dad has this crazy "hands-off" thing in his car that broadcasts me over the radio when i call) as they were driving to vermont, the place where i spent all of my thanksgivings until i was 20, to enjoy snow, good food, wine, cheese, my favorite childhood restaurant, and some turns in 33degree-and-drizzling-miserableness, on slopes saturated with snow guns blowing ice chunks in every possible orifice. HA! but something about bundling up with my sisters and dad and sweaters and warm hats sounds really beautiful and very comfy... that's the word, comfy.  sometimes that is exactly what i need on this island.  all this earth-shaking-earthquaking-sharp-lava-eating-my-feet-raw-exposing-nakedness can be hard on a woman!

i am the ultimate ebenezer in my cynical now mid-twenties.  i often think all holidays are glorified by hallmark and have no real meaning or importance in my life anymore.  i appreciate the changing of the seasons, and lunar cycles, and old traditions that probably run deep in my pagan ancestry somewhere down the line... yes a true pagan at heart.  but once again, the space that i have provided myself with this year has led me to some beautiful and new perspectives.  i do appreciate the traditions that i grew up with.  going to vermont every year for thanksgiving, eating from a buffet at a dark cozy nook of a french restaraunt (which is apparently very unconventional), and then going around the table saying what we are grateful for is a heartfelt very applicable tradition, and i love it and i miss it. 

christmas can be a whole nother story, but growing up it was never my favorite holiday.  thanksgiving always was.  i think the reality of feeling close to my family, being small and nurtured by everyone in the first real cold of the season was and is something very special and dear to my heart. 

i have a lot to be grateful for this year. 
i am grateful for my family.  for the differences and the raging power that me and all my sisters possess.  for us being strewn across the country, in different places doing different things, and feeling confident that we are on our path in the moment.  for the irreplaceable bond that only sisters can feel, despite brutal honesty, minor abuse, and lots of tears and distance.  for willingness to heal and create new bonds, to work on relationships and see eachother for who we are now, and not for who we were when we were stealing eachothers clothes and slamming doors.
for mom and dad for figuring out what it is that makes them happy.  following their hearts, accepting me and loving me unconditionally despite all my crazy quarter-life-crisis antics.  for always providing us with creature comforts and nurturing, despite distances, absences, and arguments.  for allowing me to be someone who lives and moves from the heart, while trying to weave in a little bit of logical thought. thank you for bearing with me.  thank you for tickling me when i was little, playing bad guy, laying in bed with me till all hours of the night, letting me crawl into your bed whenever i was sick, and brining me to vermont for every vacation, the first place i really felt my soul.  thank your for instilling so much love into me that i didn't know how to express it enough as a kid. i love you more than the universe.
to friends and families in other forms
thank you for bearing with me as well.  i know my tendencies towards being relatively emotionally unregulated can be draining and ungrounding.  thank you for being a grounding force in my life.  thank you for providing me with new family, and always seeing me (avatar style) beyond the hot mess that i can present myself to be.  thank you for always believing in me, helping me see through my greatest dreams and desires.  helping me to decode my dreams, speak my truth, and challenging me to become a better person.  thank you for always knowing what is best for me, even when i am too stuck to see it myself.  thank you for helping me see myself as beautiful, recognizing my courage, and by-god holding fucking space for me. thank you... unwavering love headed your way.
to mentors and teachers
thank you for seeing my potential.  thank you for telling me that i am amazing.  thank you for believing in me, challenging me, and making yourself available.  thank you for telling me to "buck up," thank you for ignoring me, and holding boundaries with me.  thank you for being beautiful strong humans to look up to and aspire to be.  thank you for holding the bar high.  thank you for presenting your love and truth to the world and thus allowing me to move in that direction. 
to something greater than myself.... great spirit, great mystery, universe, whatever
thank you for allowing me to see myself, and begin to discover my spirituality, find routine and seek inner and outer truth... not sure quite where to go with this one yet except that thank you for answering my prayers through out the ages at times when i didn't even know i was praying. 
japhy
thank you for bringing me so much joy, and being a maniac, and causing me worry, and providing me with unconditional love.
myself
thanks meg for finally taking the risk to do something different.  thank you for removing yourself from the definition of insanity- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, thank you for learning to be gentle with yourself, for being open to doors opening and closing, for moving into joy and new acceptance for your body- soft in all the right places.  thank you for discovering that your power does not lie behind a toothy gummy grin, but can be found and fostered in even the darkest corners of your life.  thank you for growing up, coming into yourself, being real, wearing your heart on your sleeve, and with that, starting to learn about balance (ha!) thank you for being ready to move into this next phase of your life, while still being aware of connections and love across the miles.  thank you for being ready to discover and grow and learn.  thank you for saying thank you.

so here is my gratitude. i could go on for days... i love lists. thank you for loving me, and allowing me to love you in return.       
happy turkey day.