talkstory.

this is a saying over here that i really enjoy, talkstory.  it means to "shoot the shit" but i like it so much because there seems to be slightly more intention behind it, the people who have wanted to talkstory with me haven't just wanted to make small talk, but have really wanted to know who i am, why i am here, what my story is.  this is something that i really appreciate because i don't do well with small talk, in fact, i avoid it like the plague.. however, because small talk is so often the way we use to get to the deeper stuff, i tend to miss out on that stuff as well.  what i am noticing about all this talkstory, is that when someone says "hey lets talkstory" i roll up my figurative sleeves and say "ok lets get into it" thus skipping the small talk. 
it is also part of the hawaiian tradition... correct me if i am wrong, but a lot of the elders of the community will set aside time to talkstory, and it is the way that the younger ones learn, and are able to pass on knowledge the elders have to offer.  beeeautiful.
anyways that is kind of what this blog has become for me... a place for talkstory, and eventually i will learn to tell my story in a way that will be more liken to captivate readers and teach a lesson but for now stream of consciousness is what i got!  it is real and it is me, so roll up your sleeves, and sit back and read all at once.

my holy hard day turned out to be one of the most beautiful days i have had here since my arrival on hawaii island... i needed to hit rock bottom (which is much higher up than it used to be), and i needed to pull myself out of it by taking action, making movement, and grabbing the bull by the horns in order to move through my situation, and i did.  after my time on the internet, we went down kealakekua bay and met up with some colorado girls, kelsea, shelley, and sarah, girls who come from similar roots, and who felt like home and community in one way or another.  heidi and i ended the day paddling together on a stand up paddle board into the middle of the bay, laying head to head on it, and then i taught her a moon song that i know (thanks to kristi d), and we sang together looking up at the moon, floating in the middle of the bay, and decided this would be a moment we would remember for a long time... heidi looked at me as we dried off and got back in the car, laughed and said, "meg, i felt like i saw a glimpse of the old megan here in hawaii this morning, and then we just ended the day singing to the moon, a song that you taught me... i feel like you had a real north day today, meg!" she ended with another giggle, then i giggled, and we both giggled together in the now forever soggy jeep she named phil.  i beamed because i knew she was right, and it is true what "they" say, whoever "they" are today, that in those dark dark moments is when the real growth happens and when the truth becomes the clearest.  yay for movement, travelling and feeling joy.

the rest of the week was amazing as well... our weekend with the maui/colorado girls introduced me to surfing for the first time (what a gift!), and fed my seemingly constant need for a lot of women time, and the definite constant need and desire for community.  the next couple days were kind of wishy washy... i accidentally ended up following heidi around doing chores all day in the car one of those days, and became crabby, and decided i could sit in a kmart parking lot anywhere in the us... why was i here?? and so that question keeps coming up... why am i here? why am i here? and the answer keeps flying into view... to experience prolonged joy! to be in your body! to run around in skimpy spandex shorts and not feel self-conscious about your womanly curves! to take risks! and so another day of swimming with the dolphins, and meeting up with another dear colorado friend, allowed me to experience some of those things... i swam a mile and half across the bay sans flippers, and dolphins kept coming right for me!! and i could hear their song the entire way! it was definitely joyful to say the least! and so healing to be in the water for basically the entirety of the afternoon!

so then i did it.  something i have been talking about for a number of years, and always always had an excuse not to do... went on a solo backpacking trip... i went back into this valley called waimanu which i found out later means water-bird.  before i took off, one would have thought i was about to jump out of an airplane i was so nervous.  i kept searching and searching for excuses to not go... the weather looked nasty, can i leave the truck here for two nights? what if the trail is washed out? what if the big surf advisory means there will be a tsunami? and the list goes on as all of my lil neuroses (sp?) began to surface.  i sat in the car and listened to music for a second... trying to find it in me to strap on my pack and take off... do it meg, put on your pack, do it, a voice kept saying... if not now then when?? and so i did it, i locked the car doors, put away my ipod, buckled my pack to my shoulders and hips, and started walking.  and when i finally hit the trail, i realized i was not scared at all... that almost like an old memory, i had done this before... many times.  and so i walked and walked through eucalyptus forests, pine forests, and tropical drainages, and rain, tons and tons of rain.  waterfalls were going off left and right and after about 10 miles of ups and downs, two river crossings, and crazy winds, and did i mention rain? i reached the valley floor, where the huge ocean breathes it waves in and out of the cove, and where black rock turns to black sand, a magical place, waimanu.  i spent around two days there, one night there, and one up on the ridge, and never got dry not once.  i had a lil' ceremony for myself, spent some time building a beautiful medicine wheel (which was a tad bit off because i had no idea where the sun was and no map.. hehe) and even busted a coal, (though to little avail because everything was so wet... someday i will know how to build a fire in the dampest of climates... any suggestions, i am humbly open to them)... overall the trip was super empowering, helped me tap into a deeper side of myself... and realize that i always have that option... i can always always strap on my backpack and head into the wilderness... that is always there fore me...

ok i think i will end here for today... i am about to do a lil' hitchhiking for the first time... a little scary, but i think i will survive... go visit some friends over in hilo... see what that side of the island is like. i am going to leave my computer somewhere dry, so you probably wont here from for a couple more days. 

aloha and thanks for bearing with me.


ps- i quit pacific quest. ;)