life these days

life the past couple days has been a little bit crazy... when people say that you can't hide from your shit in hawaii.. they are totally right.  certain messages have been coming through to me so clearly, i can't even quite believe it.  never have i ever felt so strongly in my body a certain intuition or decision is right or wrong.

so in relation to that, i went to a hiring seminar with pacific quest (the wilderness therapy program out here), from sunday-tuesday, and got to see what the program was all about.  it is a really cool and very very different program.  the kids stay stationary for basically the entire time they are there... working on the land in each of their base camps.. growing things like cacao, greens, bananas, papaya, tomatos, egg plants... whatever you can think of, they probably have it growing.  they do a lot of planting, weeding, digging, etc, all things that come with fantastic metaphors, and apply to their own personal growth.  the catch is, that as i was sitting in the seminar, feeling moderately trapped inside this camp for a few days, feeling like my wild indigenous soul is being stifled, maybe suffocated (just to be a lil' dramatic), i got the most intense feeling that this is utterly not what i should be doing right now.  it was so intense, i could feel it in my body and all my extremities, with my heart rate picking up to amazing paces, and my finger tips quivering and sweating, a rapid swirling moving from my gut all the way to my throat, and as i was trying to send collosal deep breaths down to the pit of my belly, i realized that this was my body's way of telling me that this is just not right.  trust. trust in the ways of the world and yourself to be able to make it work here without falling back into this work right now.  now is not the time, and this is not the way.

immediately following the seminar, they invited me on board and asked me if i would like to start thursday.  and here is where my human fear is still present, and i can only be so hard on myself for this, i said "yea sure, i would love to give it a shot!"  peppy and everything... relatively untrue to my true wants and needs.  but reality has its way of setting in a bit... hawaii is a really expensive place to live.  despite the fruit that drips off the trees, and the cheap local beef and fish, the gas prices are atrocious (at 4.58$/gallon), i told heidi i would help her with rent because i know i need a place to come home to and ground, anything gluten free is like 9$ a bag... although the good thing is i can't really go out to dinner because none of the restaurants are on the gluten free boat... AND there are all these things i want to do when i make it back to the mainland, like FINALLY find a place to live that i love, and do a vision quest with animas, and maybe take a detour to alaska to see the northern lights on the way to my sister's wedding, as well as wanting to start looking into owning a trusty vehicle.... responsibility.  i have responsibilities now.  and i want them there, i like them, and right now even though a tiny part of my feels like i am selling my soul... i am really not, i love doing this work, i love being outside, learning new things about the land (especially like growing FOOD), and we actually get to teach and come up with our own lessons for bits of the curriculum, and we have nights off every night so i can still run and train for the marathon, read, meditate, unwind fully each night.  not so gosh darn bad... and as i am sitting here typing, and explaining to my community everything i am feeling... and although i know some of you are saying "dont do it! dont do it!" and others of you are saying, "megan relax, its ok, give it a shot" my heart slows its pace, and i am willing to fulfill my committment of showing up for work tomorrow, for yet another 8 day shift.

i am up to 12 miles running... we are gonna do the 12 mile loop the other day... heidi, patrick and i had an epic day on saturday.  we ran this amazingly beautiful route, then went to this beautiful white sand beach for the day... equipped with turqoise waters and everything, and then snuck into this resort (which didnt require much sneaking, more like walking) and had tasty beverages and sat in this hot tub that was somewhat like a cover photo on a brochure for paradise... epic (did i mention that it was an epic day?). 
tonight we are gonna do the 12 mile loop again... i am looking forward to it... who know running could be so fun/meditative?    

the new moon is here today, and i must must must be intentional with it... it is time to put all these practices i have been using every day, fully into my life.  i can be grounded and balanced and healthy, and it feels really good. 

my dreams have been crazy... does anyone have any takes on dreams? resources? anything? i have been smudging myself before bed every night... and some times it helps, and sometimes it doesn't... suggestions?
they are often manifestations of my fears.  atleast that is what i believe. 

ok there is a small possibility you have stopped reading this by now. ;)

love love love! aloha.

yaaay for big thighs!

the other day something happened to me
i looked down at my on-the-thicker-side-thighs
and said
thank you.
you are beautiful.

barefoot jungle scramble...

this weekend was one of the greatest, fulfilling-on-many-levels weekends that i have had in a long time.  it started out with a rough and lonely friday and ended with a rough and lonely monday but all the in betweens were definitely magical... the distraction in paradise sandwiched in between intense moments of healing and working through and letting go! we took off on saturday to head to a taj mahal show in honoka'a, a small quaint hawaiian town in the northern part of the island... a packed day with a 6.5 mile run on a winding road (more highway-ish than quiet, but quieter than around here), a swim and read on a beach in the very desert and very sunny part of the island, and then off to the show in a teeny theater... he played with three ukeleles, a bass, and some sort of slide ukelele... it was awesome! ended the encore with "lovin in my babies eyes"... perfect... we then swung up a series of winding hills to a camp sight in kalopa state park, and slept under this awning structure thing while it poured and poured and poured all night long... it was so awesome to sleep to the sound of the rain... we woke up and ate at a local fastfood place called tex's.. which i don't think i will frequent, and headed down into waipio valley... this was a rather epic experience and began with a very very steep walk down a four wheel drive road into the valley.  my new found friends, kate, katie and i decided to hike back to this thousand or so foot waterfall... that we thought didnt look too far away... we had our shoes on for the first 10-15 minutes, and then got to a creek crossing/swim, and left all our shoes and belongings in the bushes... hence commenced the barefoot jungle scramble... we crossed the creek atleast 5 or 6 times, scrambled up and down boulders, walked through a bamboo forest, hanging vines, big heart-shaped leaves, and after about an 1.5 hours we finally reached the very tall waterfall that cascaded into a blue lagoon in what looked like a mossy green amphitheater.  it was indeed a magical place.. the girls and i swam underneath the waterfall and let the water hit our faces... i found a little nook behind the waterfall and perched myself there before plunging back into the blue lagoon...  ahhh i get a rush and big overwhelming bubble of love in my heart just recalling the experience... after swimming for a bit in the pool of redemption (hehe) we headed back down the creek bed to make it back to my other newly found friends and rides.  it was a much shorter trek on the way back, although my feet were in a lot of pain... they were all tender and raw on the sharp lava rock that led us through our little jungle excursion.  we hiked our way back up the very steep hill to the car, and took the long and beautiful drive through waimea to our little jungle abode in south kona.
 i slept well that evening, and woke up feeling like i wanted to do it all over again, but maybe i had tuckered myself out, or maybe my body is still getting used to this wet and wonderful climate, because i was feeling very under the weather... oh well... excuse to face my own shit, cry a lil, and read harry potter... ah the great escape of harry potter... i have to say it brings me a lot of joy to curl up with harry, sirius black, and the weasley's... needing to get out of the house.. i escaped to buy greens (the ones in our garden are not up yet) and watch the sunset... which once again... was epic and lifted my spirits as it dripped its magenta-ness into the pacific ocean, and started to drizzle mildly once the lone magenta ball had made its way to rise up again somewhere else. 
so i have been meditating almost every single day this week... for atleast a half hour, and this morning i sat for an entire hour!  and i felt super energized and eager to start the day after.. it was awesome... norman is right... this meditation stuff really does work... not that i didnt believe him before, or practice what i preach in the field, but i have never really been this diligent about it.. it brings me to a state of compassion for myself, and that in turn has been helping with  a LOT of other things...
so days consist of waking up around 630am, going to bed around 930!!!! meditation in am or right before bed, running, swimming, occasionally missing a certain someone, occasionally missing durango, lots of intention, love! and seeking adventures and people to show me the island life.

after this i am going to go paddle across the kealakekua bay on heidi's surfboard.. you should google it... or just come visit it... it is so beautiful and only ten minutes away from the lil jungle abode i am staying in.  then i am gonna go for a run as the sun is setting... you convinced yet?    

alas! rob brezny follows me to hawaii!

so i know you can check out rob brezny's free will astrology on the internet, but i was just sooo pleasantly surprised when i started flipping through the Big Island Weekly... and turned to page 9 to find my free will astrology still tangible and in hard copy at my finger tips! yay!
especially because my horoscope this week is just so darn applicable... so i wanted to share it:

you've got to cry one more tear before the pungent comedy will deliver its ultimate lesson and leave you in peace.  you've got to make one further promise to yourself before you will be released from the twilight area where pain and pleasure became entangled.  you've got to navigate your way through one more small surrender before you will be cleared to hunt down your rebirth in earnest.  but meanwhile, the catharses and epiphanies just keep on erupting.  you're growing more soulful and less subject to people's delusions by the minute.  your rather unconventional attempts at healing are working-maybe not as rapidly as you'd like, but still they are working.

haha! yes! yes! yes! thanks rob brezny.

another real rainy day in captain cook

ain't so bad.  the rain falls and the temp stays nice and warm, it has been raining since around 11 and i am still walking around in my tank top.. i am not turning as bronze as i would like however.. hehe.
i just indulged in my newly discovered guilty pleasure... a coconut milk iced vanilla latte, and the ice cubes are 100% kona coffee and the coconut milk stays separate from the coffee, and the coffee sits on the bottom and every time i take a sip of its not-too-sweet, strong-coffee-tasting, coconut-creamy-milky-goodness, a little part of my heart sings as all of my taste buds daaaance!
this morning i woke up at 530 and went for a run- about five miles...nothing to write home about i know... especially since i just signed up for a marathon! on the 11th of december.. come to honolulu and support it... needless to say, despite the not-so-very-impressive mileage of this morning's endeavor, i was inspired to enter... get myself in shape, occupy myself, have reasons to get out and explore while it is still dark (and yet oh so warm) in the morning... following the moon west as it sets over the pacific ocean.  heidi's goal is to do this one really beautiful loop that is about 20 miles before the marathon... this means i will need to get back into my yoga practice too because ouch! my quads hurt! either way.. cultivating a bit of yang into my life and crossing another thing off of my not-yet-established bucket list ain't so bad.
i dropped heidi off today to go to work, and got to see even more of the island.  the drive was epic, and i felt really content to just drive and see and stop along the way and listen to music and be with myself.
my list for this coming week involves, beach time, ceremony time, coffee shop time, searching for someone to surf with, getting on my bike, paddling out into the middle of kealakekua bay and maybe swimming the mile and a half across it, running, waking up before the sun, waiting for my kamana book to arrive, yoga, reading harry potter, continuing to make smoothies with the avocados and guavas i pick from the driveway, looking after our newly planted seedlings!... yay.

aloha (literal meaning: in the presence of the breath of life !!!)  

aloooha.

well my welcome to hawaii has been really beautiful and inviting thus far.  i got off the plane to a ti (pronouced tea) leaf lei, and a humungo hug from heidi.  it was mostly smooth sailing/flying and an on-time arrival in kona...perfect.  we then headed off to get some very fresh sushi, and watch bits and pieces of the ironman, which was finishing up right on the strip in kona.  heidi then gave me a talk about how i need to be careful of my feet for the first few weeks because all the rocks are lava and they can be quite sharp... right before we jumped in the pacific (which is WARM) and i got baby sea urchin (we think) quills in my toe... some of which are still there.  then heidi and her friend patrick took me to a kava bar, and i was able to relax while listening to a reggae singer by the name of bush mama, with dreadlocks down past her hips, sing her rather liberal and somewhat refreshing beliefs. 
bed came as a warm, humid gift. and so did the morning.  we got a text from patrick saying that the dolphins were out down at the kealakekua bay... which is where they tend to be around the time of the full moon... which is tonight... so we headed down there with a paddleboard, surfboard, and snorkeling mask, and paddled into the middle of the bay to swim with the dolphins.  oh. my. god. the magic.  these creatures are such beautiful representation of playfulness and joy.  they would get about a foot away, and swim under me in schools or pods, and i felt like i was a mermaid and a child swimming with them and trying to imitate their motions and majestic way of moving through the water.  spinner dolphins.  that's what they are called.. they jump out of the water and spin in the air, and play with eachother by passing leaves that they find, and they sing their songs in the deep, and you can only hear it under water... clicking, chirping, each a musical voice in their choir... and even way out in the bay the water is so clear that you can see straight to the bottom, and so warm that stayed in it for probably an hour.  we got to the bay at around 8 and pulled away around ten in the morning... one of the best mornings. 
i saw a sea turtle yesterday as well... (so much life and fruit and beauty) they are called honu (pronounced hoe- new) ... he was an ancient, wrinkly, wise creature napping upon his arrival to the warm sand. 
today was a bit slower of a day.  i won't give you too much of a play by play... but we did eat an avocado from the front yard, and we did plant greens, and a mamaki (ayurvedic medicinal herb for general wellness-basically a native hawaiian nettle without the defensive spiky-ness) plant in the yard to mark my arrival to the island! so beautful!
my reduced intake of caffiene is not going so well... the kona coffee is amazing.  and supposedly medium roast is stronger than dark roast because the coffee goes through less processing, and it tastes so much fresher, tangy, and strong... mmmmh..holy crow. 
this afternoon leaving our little oasis on top of the hill, we saw a very rare hawk (the only species on the island), apparently it lives in our front yard some where and it had a little creature with a long tail in its talons.  i got out of the car and it looked at me for a minute... gave me goosebumps... i do love to run into a winged creatures... i felt really blessed.  the native hawaiians consider seeing one of these to be a good omen... they are called hawaiian hawks.  look 'em up. beautiful.
right now i am sitting in a coffee shop sharing a fancy coffee drink with heidi that has kona coffee ice cubes in it, wearing skinny jeans and a t-shirt, feeling raw, new, excited, hopeful, and ready, willing.  strawberry guavas and avocados line the road outside, and i am contemplating buying myself a organic cotton and bamboo skirt on the rack to my right.  mmmh.  
much love and aloha.

some sort of goodbye...

shock, maybe is why i haven't sprawled myself out in the denver airport in hysterics screaming "WHY HAVE I LEFT THE ONLY PLACE I EVER CONSIDERED HOME?!?!" and yes this morning as the sun was rising i took my last look west at the la platas for atleast three months... leaving my dog, my lover, my job, my community, in a slightly romanticized lone search of healing and spiritual growth.  flying over durango, i could see it all and the memories that went with each and every bit of landscape- the animas, silver, hogs back, the sleeping ute, mesa verde, durango lake, the great sweep of utah desert, i could practically pick out every house i have ever live in in durango, including the shallow canyone of lightner creek, i could practically see evan parking his car in front of his house, walking with a certain lightness to his step into his house to cuddle little bear for a moment, before making the first in a series of pots of tea for the day with intermittent interruptions to shoot his newly strung recurve... a block rises in my throat, but no tears yet... maybe i will forget to cry them by the time i get to hawaii and am swept away by hibiscus scented thick humid air and ocean foam on my naked body.  probably not. 
now i sit in the denver airport- amongst a sea of people awaiting to go on their vacation in hawaii-yes they are the people you expect still wearing their denver zoo t-shirts, and over-sized paisley purses and three backpack wearing kids- and yes i sound judgemental and i am just trying to help paint the picture.  I could elaborate but i won't.  i am sitting here with my computer and headphones, listening to the same songs over and over again, humming louder than i can actually tell, and cynically wishing they had something better for me to eat than a ten dollar soggy salad before i board the 7 hour flight.  oh well, woe is me right? i am on my way to hawaii, where aside from hibiscus and ocean foam, i will be blessed and welcomed with the presence of my best friend, and i am sure mangos, avocados, coconut water galore when i land.
well here goes nothing... like this morning when i closed my eyes as the sun was rising to welcome the new day, and took the leap onto the airplane, i close my eyes and step onto my non-stop flight to kona.
thank you durango-friends, community, evan, open sky, mentors, teachers, love-i could go on and on and on...
'till next time.

mountain biking inspired metaphors for the day

the uphill is always always worth the downhill.

look where you want to go, not where you dont wanna go.

these will be the foundation of my mountain biking wilderness therapy program... hehe