for all the times you tucked me in

i remember when you would crawl into the bottom bunk with me some nights
and you would let me talk to you about
my ten year old woes
and how i couldn't say "i love you" enough
and how "i love you" didn't actually seem enough
and how recently i still wanted to crawl into your lap
more than anything.
and how sometimes when erin crawls into mine
it feels similar and safe
the way it did then.

so thank you for winding up all the music boxes
and letting me play hookey
thank you for letting me sleep in your bed when i was sick
and all the ice cream sundaes.
thank you for the elton john evenings
and sundays where we listened to 'breakfast at tiffany's' on repeat and ate dinner together.
thank you for all the musical instruments that i played to no avail
and always just letting me sing.

if i was there right now
i promise i would sing you a lullaby
in hopes it would be better than buzzing lights
and pain in your knee.

and 'i love you' still doesn't feel like enough.
so thank you for teaching me how to smile.

feel better mama.

your watch brought me comfort this week.
when i was lucky enough to lay my head under the sound of the night hawks
and weary tired blood-shot-from-crying-eyes could finally gaze up through the lace of the ponderosa branches.
i could hear it on my wrist.
tick tick tick.
and remembered that there is life outside of this.
there is comfort other than my solitude in the darkness and the duff
comfort of arms and legs intertwined and smiling lips
and kissing lips.
and laughter.
oh right.

thank you for letting me borrow your watch.
it helped me keep track of myself.