the other day i had a funny experience while planting lettuce. my new friend ken, the owner of the farm i am working on, was going on and on about himself... talking about how he is the epitome of cute, and how he has to fend off the ladies, and bla bla bla. and i dropped all the lettuce i had in my hand, ready to nestle its little roots into the freshly tilled earth, and said, "how am i ALWAYS surrounded by men with exceedingly large egos?!?" at this he laughed, and said, "because you are beautiful and strong woman, and it is hard for the meek, or undeveloped ego to tread among you, how could they feel confident about themselves?" and while i am totally open to the meek and undeveloped egos, i suddenly realized that maybe he had a point. as hard as it is for me to say that i am strong and beautiful, it was a delicious slice of potential truth.
so that being said, if you ever find yourself in the back of an old beat up toyota landcruiser somewhere in the middle of the desert behind two men talking so highly of themselves that you are unsure opening a window would help you breathe, think, maybe its because YOU'RE beautiful!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
ending with excitement
this last week has been really beautiful and grounding. it was my first christmas away from my family, and it some ways that felt really relaxing and stress-free, and in other ways, i really really missed them. oddly enough, none of my sisters went home for christmas, except for the one who lives there, so it was a very different experience for my parents indeed. christmas is always a hectic time for the campbell's (which seems to be the across-the-board-experience for most people experiencing the holiday seasons with their families) so i am hoping that since all of us have a year off, we will come to really appreciate being together in years to come.
christmas eve we decided to hike to where the lava is flowing. kiluaea is one of the most active volcanoes in the world and it is forever birthing this crazy island, and at the moment it is spewing hot magma lava all the way down to the ocean. so a couple friends and i made it there for an epic hike on christmas eve. it was quite the experience. it started off pouring rain with a consistent headwind of probably about 20 mph, relatively brutal, and then cleared up for a while, allowing us to make a good chunk of the hike with dry weather. we watched the sunset over the black pahoehoe lava. pahoehoe is the smoother kind of lava from flows that happened years ago, so they are all dried up, and this is what we hiked on for the entirety of the time. this place made us all feel as if the whole earth was pahoehoe lava, black and barren; it becomes all you can see aside from the cliff that drops off into the ocean and the hillside that the flowing lava brandished its thousand degree signature. it was like taking a trip to mordor and back, except this time we had to hike back out, there were no giant eagles to swoop down and save us.
at one point we were face to face with all the elements, rain was spitting all over us, and we looked down, and could actually see the glow of lava flowing between the cracks of the earth we were standing on, as the wind howled a most mournful song. it would get extremely hot in places like this, and we would go in search for more solid ground. it was crazy to actually feel the earth forming beneath our feet, i mean literally the ground did not feel solid, and for certain, it wasn't. eventually we hiked onward through the night, constantly searching for solid ground, a little stability to place our feet, and rest our hearts and minds. making it back to the road that led back to the car felt like a god-send. it was a most un-grounding experiencing, and at the same time, i was super grateful to have made the trek there and back with good company, and experience all these elements that are made by earth. it was a good reminder of how small and relatively insignificant i am as a human, and in some ways, how utterly powerless i am to the ways and the forces of the world, and how important it is to show respect to the ground i tread on, because by-god i am grateful it is solid.
this week the farm has been so mellow. i feel so grateful to have had the opportunity to live and work on the farm. life is so simple. talk about finding zen and peace in the simple things, "chopping wood, carrying water." i love and will truly miss my little life and routine i have going there. i work all day,run, make dinner, tea, and maybe a treat, process macadamia nuts, dry bananas, and am in bed by 9:30! only to rise again at 6:30 and watch the world turn light every morning. AHH! i love it. i needed some grounding quiet time, and i have received it. it reminds me that i would love my life to be like this at some point, with added community, and maybe a bit more action here and there, and a few people to share it with, and definitely no lettuce.
i am taking off for molokai on monday. i am doing a workshop with the ho'ea initiative. they do a lot of wilderness awareness workshops, that often include tracking, nature awareness, cultural awareness, and some other primitive skills. i am excited to go and see how it feels to be involved in something like this.
i am continuously trying to figure out what the next step is for me. is it school of some sort? more travel? a perfect job hidden somewhere? a diamond in the rough. i feel really ready to put my energy towards something that is sustainable for me and that i feel passionate about.. but what could this be? i am trying to stop searching so much and just relax into whatever my life has to offer me right now, despite pressures from my parents, my sisters, and pressures from myself. because they are undoubtedly there.
either way, i am really excited for this workshop. i am excited to go to boston and see rose. i am excited to be around my family. i am excited to go to allie's wedding and watch her put her faith in love. i am excited to go back to durango and work for open sky again, and sleep outside. i am excited to maybe buy a house plant-probably a succulent of some sort but a house plant nonetheless.
i love being excited.
christmas eve we decided to hike to where the lava is flowing. kiluaea is one of the most active volcanoes in the world and it is forever birthing this crazy island, and at the moment it is spewing hot magma lava all the way down to the ocean. so a couple friends and i made it there for an epic hike on christmas eve. it was quite the experience. it started off pouring rain with a consistent headwind of probably about 20 mph, relatively brutal, and then cleared up for a while, allowing us to make a good chunk of the hike with dry weather. we watched the sunset over the black pahoehoe lava. pahoehoe is the smoother kind of lava from flows that happened years ago, so they are all dried up, and this is what we hiked on for the entirety of the time. this place made us all feel as if the whole earth was pahoehoe lava, black and barren; it becomes all you can see aside from the cliff that drops off into the ocean and the hillside that the flowing lava brandished its thousand degree signature. it was like taking a trip to mordor and back, except this time we had to hike back out, there were no giant eagles to swoop down and save us.
at one point we were face to face with all the elements, rain was spitting all over us, and we looked down, and could actually see the glow of lava flowing between the cracks of the earth we were standing on, as the wind howled a most mournful song. it would get extremely hot in places like this, and we would go in search for more solid ground. it was crazy to actually feel the earth forming beneath our feet, i mean literally the ground did not feel solid, and for certain, it wasn't. eventually we hiked onward through the night, constantly searching for solid ground, a little stability to place our feet, and rest our hearts and minds. making it back to the road that led back to the car felt like a god-send. it was a most un-grounding experiencing, and at the same time, i was super grateful to have made the trek there and back with good company, and experience all these elements that are made by earth. it was a good reminder of how small and relatively insignificant i am as a human, and in some ways, how utterly powerless i am to the ways and the forces of the world, and how important it is to show respect to the ground i tread on, because by-god i am grateful it is solid.
this week the farm has been so mellow. i feel so grateful to have had the opportunity to live and work on the farm. life is so simple. talk about finding zen and peace in the simple things, "chopping wood, carrying water." i love and will truly miss my little life and routine i have going there. i work all day,run, make dinner, tea, and maybe a treat, process macadamia nuts, dry bananas, and am in bed by 9:30! only to rise again at 6:30 and watch the world turn light every morning. AHH! i love it. i needed some grounding quiet time, and i have received it. it reminds me that i would love my life to be like this at some point, with added community, and maybe a bit more action here and there, and a few people to share it with, and definitely no lettuce.
i am taking off for molokai on monday. i am doing a workshop with the ho'ea initiative. they do a lot of wilderness awareness workshops, that often include tracking, nature awareness, cultural awareness, and some other primitive skills. i am excited to go and see how it feels to be involved in something like this.
i am continuously trying to figure out what the next step is for me. is it school of some sort? more travel? a perfect job hidden somewhere? a diamond in the rough. i feel really ready to put my energy towards something that is sustainable for me and that i feel passionate about.. but what could this be? i am trying to stop searching so much and just relax into whatever my life has to offer me right now, despite pressures from my parents, my sisters, and pressures from myself. because they are undoubtedly there.
either way, i am really excited for this workshop. i am excited to go to boston and see rose. i am excited to be around my family. i am excited to go to allie's wedding and watch her put her faith in love. i am excited to go back to durango and work for open sky again, and sleep outside. i am excited to maybe buy a house plant-probably a succulent of some sort but a house plant nonetheless.
i love being excited.
Friday, December 23, 2011
untitled raw
sometimes i feel like i write best first thing in the morning... my head and my emotions are clear, and i feel super in tune with everything when i watch the morning light turn from blue to grey to spotty-sunshine. right now i am feeling split open and raw. i heard somewhere that you need to share yourself with others so that others can live, so i felt it necessary for some reason to share with everyone this morning, because i love all the people in my life... so this is out of love for everyone... including myself.
untitled
here i am sitting somewhere over the rainbow listening to john prine and crying
the sun rises in an iridescent violet
and sets in a magenta goo... dripping itself into the ocean
for days and months
i have been singing about how 'you're gonna make me lonesome when you go'
thinking bout how 'i see you in the sky above, in the tall grass, and the ones i love'
smiling when i do
but fearless love takes a toll.
so here i am
redirecting
figuring out how i can borrow words of others
to keep feeding the love i have for myself.
and that takes a toll too.
i just keep praying to the moon
knowing that it always comes around to cast its moon shadows all over the place again.
untitled
here i am sitting somewhere over the rainbow listening to john prine and crying
the sun rises in an iridescent violet
and sets in a magenta goo... dripping itself into the ocean
for days and months
i have been singing about how 'you're gonna make me lonesome when you go'
thinking bout how 'i see you in the sky above, in the tall grass, and the ones i love'
smiling when i do
but fearless love takes a toll.
so here i am
redirecting
figuring out how i can borrow words of others
to keep feeding the love i have for myself.
and that takes a toll too.
i just keep praying to the moon
knowing that it always comes around to cast its moon shadows all over the place again.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
rainbow weather I
so today is one of those times where i feel like i almost can't pinpoint exactly what i want to write and i feel like could write so much because it has been so long since i last posted an entry and thus i have no idea where to begin and at the same time feel like i could go on forever. hmmm... deep breath maybe?
the marathon. what an experience. i was a true witness to the battle between the body and the mind.
the race started out in the dark... after waking up at 2:45, we all hopped on a school bus at around 3:30 in the morning, and were carted to the starting line. nerves awry, hearts pounding, stuffing in that last bit of "clif-blok" to get us through the first couple hours we lined up next to eachother, holding hands... the five of us seemingly blond in a sea of japanese people. the exhilarating feeling of being the minority and being at the start of a 26 mile race was soon catalyzed by a firework display that marked the start of the time. tears rolling down our cheeks we began to make our way slowly to the start. unsure of what the next six hours of our lives were going to look like, unsure if we were gonna stick together for the whole of it, unsure what was to happen next.
and then we were off- funneled through the starting line like lil' coffee cherries starting off their process of making their way into your cup... and after mile two i was without all the loved ones i came to honolulu with. i was all alone, and yet surrounded by a sea of people, ebbing and flowing around me. there were moments in the morning darkness in which all i could hear was the sound of 28,000 people's feet hitting the pavement around me. it was our morning heartbeat, propelling us forward through the darkness, and through all the stoplights, changing on their own accord. and then i watched the light turn blue, and from their i could see little splashes of sun making their way onto the horizon as people reminiscent to fans, started to make their way through the cracks in the sidewalks to cheer us on with all of their might!
the light brightened, and i thought about all the people back at home, and in hawaii that i love... mile 13.1 passed and i came to the conclusion that i had actually been training for a half marathon, not a full 26.2 mile marathon. but still, despite the pain in my knees, and the sharp pain in my right hip-flexer i kept on. determined by something other than myself to finish. my mind went through its usual array of insults, as i knew i would be the last of my friends to make it across the finish line, and my body felt like it was starting to deteriorate into the pavement with every lift and fall of my feet. but still i kept on. and then something changed. around mile 18, when i knew i was over the hump, and all at once felt sure that i wouldn't make it another step, something in my little mind's eye starting saying, "you can do it meg, you can do it. don't stop, you got this" and i kept on and on and on for 8.2 more miles, and realized that it was my mind telling me not to stop, encouraging me further and further, even though my body surely couldn't make it, not one more step... and i came to the last mile... my pace actually picking up underneath my torso, my arms getting into a larger swing until i was once again surrounded by these "fans" cheering me through the last couple steps, and i broke out into a full sprint to the end... and then walked to a spot in the grass and collapsed, somehow found by three other friends, in the same amount of pain, happy to see that i had finished, and ready to get a free shiatsu massage. its funny because my mind quickly assumed its normal role, "eh i'm not sure that was good enough meg, your time is a tad embarrassing, don't walk around too proud.." but now i am telling that part to shove it, i finished 26.2 miles in 5hours51seconds, and well, i am proud. and that being said, i wanna do better next time... :)
the marathon. what an experience. i was a true witness to the battle between the body and the mind.
the race started out in the dark... after waking up at 2:45, we all hopped on a school bus at around 3:30 in the morning, and were carted to the starting line. nerves awry, hearts pounding, stuffing in that last bit of "clif-blok" to get us through the first couple hours we lined up next to eachother, holding hands... the five of us seemingly blond in a sea of japanese people. the exhilarating feeling of being the minority and being at the start of a 26 mile race was soon catalyzed by a firework display that marked the start of the time. tears rolling down our cheeks we began to make our way slowly to the start. unsure of what the next six hours of our lives were going to look like, unsure if we were gonna stick together for the whole of it, unsure what was to happen next.
and then we were off- funneled through the starting line like lil' coffee cherries starting off their process of making their way into your cup... and after mile two i was without all the loved ones i came to honolulu with. i was all alone, and yet surrounded by a sea of people, ebbing and flowing around me. there were moments in the morning darkness in which all i could hear was the sound of 28,000 people's feet hitting the pavement around me. it was our morning heartbeat, propelling us forward through the darkness, and through all the stoplights, changing on their own accord. and then i watched the light turn blue, and from their i could see little splashes of sun making their way onto the horizon as people reminiscent to fans, started to make their way through the cracks in the sidewalks to cheer us on with all of their might!
the light brightened, and i thought about all the people back at home, and in hawaii that i love... mile 13.1 passed and i came to the conclusion that i had actually been training for a half marathon, not a full 26.2 mile marathon. but still, despite the pain in my knees, and the sharp pain in my right hip-flexer i kept on. determined by something other than myself to finish. my mind went through its usual array of insults, as i knew i would be the last of my friends to make it across the finish line, and my body felt like it was starting to deteriorate into the pavement with every lift and fall of my feet. but still i kept on. and then something changed. around mile 18, when i knew i was over the hump, and all at once felt sure that i wouldn't make it another step, something in my little mind's eye starting saying, "you can do it meg, you can do it. don't stop, you got this" and i kept on and on and on for 8.2 more miles, and realized that it was my mind telling me not to stop, encouraging me further and further, even though my body surely couldn't make it, not one more step... and i came to the last mile... my pace actually picking up underneath my torso, my arms getting into a larger swing until i was once again surrounded by these "fans" cheering me through the last couple steps, and i broke out into a full sprint to the end... and then walked to a spot in the grass and collapsed, somehow found by three other friends, in the same amount of pain, happy to see that i had finished, and ready to get a free shiatsu massage. its funny because my mind quickly assumed its normal role, "eh i'm not sure that was good enough meg, your time is a tad embarrassing, don't walk around too proud.." but now i am telling that part to shove it, i finished 26.2 miles in 5hours51seconds, and well, i am proud. and that being said, i wanna do better next time... :)
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