life the past couple days has been a little bit crazy... when people say that you can't hide from your shit in hawaii.. they are totally right. certain messages have been coming through to me so clearly, i can't even quite believe it. never have i ever felt so strongly in my body a certain intuition or decision is right or wrong.
so in relation to that, i went to a hiring seminar with pacific quest (the wilderness therapy program out here), from sunday-tuesday, and got to see what the program was all about. it is a really cool and very very different program. the kids stay stationary for basically the entire time they are there... working on the land in each of their base camps.. growing things like cacao, greens, bananas, papaya, tomatos, egg plants... whatever you can think of, they probably have it growing. they do a lot of planting, weeding, digging, etc, all things that come with fantastic metaphors, and apply to their own personal growth. the catch is, that as i was sitting in the seminar, feeling moderately trapped inside this camp for a few days, feeling like my wild indigenous soul is being stifled, maybe suffocated (just to be a lil' dramatic), i got the most intense feeling that this is utterly not what i should be doing right now. it was so intense, i could feel it in my body and all my extremities, with my heart rate picking up to amazing paces, and my finger tips quivering and sweating, a rapid swirling moving from my gut all the way to my throat, and as i was trying to send collosal deep breaths down to the pit of my belly, i realized that this was my body's way of telling me that this is just not right. trust. trust in the ways of the world and yourself to be able to make it work here without falling back into this work right now. now is not the time, and this is not the way.
immediately following the seminar, they invited me on board and asked me if i would like to start thursday. and here is where my human fear is still present, and i can only be so hard on myself for this, i said "yea sure, i would love to give it a shot!" peppy and everything... relatively untrue to my true wants and needs. but reality has its way of setting in a bit... hawaii is a really expensive place to live. despite the fruit that drips off the trees, and the cheap local beef and fish, the gas prices are atrocious (at 4.58$/gallon), i told heidi i would help her with rent because i know i need a place to come home to and ground, anything gluten free is like 9$ a bag... although the good thing is i can't really go out to dinner because none of the restaurants are on the gluten free boat... AND there are all these things i want to do when i make it back to the mainland, like FINALLY find a place to live that i love, and do a vision quest with animas, and maybe take a detour to alaska to see the northern lights on the way to my sister's wedding, as well as wanting to start looking into owning a trusty vehicle.... responsibility. i have responsibilities now. and i want them there, i like them, and right now even though a tiny part of my feels like i am selling my soul... i am really not, i love doing this work, i love being outside, learning new things about the land (especially like growing FOOD), and we actually get to teach and come up with our own lessons for bits of the curriculum, and we have nights off every night so i can still run and train for the marathon, read, meditate, unwind fully each night. not so gosh darn bad... and as i am sitting here typing, and explaining to my community everything i am feeling... and although i know some of you are saying "dont do it! dont do it!" and others of you are saying, "megan relax, its ok, give it a shot" my heart slows its pace, and i am willing to fulfill my committment of showing up for work tomorrow, for yet another 8 day shift.
i am up to 12 miles running... we are gonna do the 12 mile loop the other day... heidi, patrick and i had an epic day on saturday. we ran this amazingly beautiful route, then went to this beautiful white sand beach for the day... equipped with turqoise waters and everything, and then snuck into this resort (which didnt require much sneaking, more like walking) and had tasty beverages and sat in this hot tub that was somewhat like a cover photo on a brochure for paradise... epic (did i mention that it was an epic day?).
tonight we are gonna do the 12 mile loop again... i am looking forward to it... who know running could be so fun/meditative?
the new moon is here today, and i must must must be intentional with it... it is time to put all these practices i have been using every day, fully into my life. i can be grounded and balanced and healthy, and it feels really good.
my dreams have been crazy... does anyone have any takes on dreams? resources? anything? i have been smudging myself before bed every night... and some times it helps, and sometimes it doesn't... suggestions?
they are often manifestations of my fears. atleast that is what i believe.
ok there is a small possibility you have stopped reading this by now. ;)
love love love! aloha.
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