the green dress

in relation to my last post, i want to take a couple minutes to write about the green dress.  i used this metaphor once in order to describe to a student what it can be like to go home (especially after being in wilderness), and the patterns, no matter how old, that we often succumb to upon returning home no matter who we are or where we are coming from.  the metaphor went as such; there is a green dress that hangs in my old closet, outside of my old room, in my dad's house, at the top of the darker staircase that leads to my room.  i created it when i was in high school, when i secretly wanted to wear black to reflect my mood, and when the cracks around the door frame of my room were first born (my technique of open, slam, open slam...) getting the picture?  unfortunately, every time i return home, i find the dress to be just as seductive as the last time, marching up the stairs, putting it on over my head to find that it is just as form fitting as ever.  i tend to cry a lot, and prove to my parents and sisters that nothing really has changed and that they are right, i am still the same person i was in high school, lost, confused, angry, attention seeking in all the wrong ways: WOULD SOMEBODY JUST LOVE ME EVEN THOUGH I AM ACTING LIKE A TOTAL ASSHOLE???
but not this time. no, i didn't do it.  the dress sat, hung, in my closet.  and don't get me wrong, i opened the closet a few times, i caressed the white lace frills on the sleeves, the 3 silk buttons marching down the breast twirled within my thumb and fore finger, and something kept me from tossing that long-sleeved, down to my ankles, sea foam green dress on over my head.  maybe i have better style? or because i am not truly a hipster at heart? or maybe taking a couple deep breaths really does work, and maybe bringing the calm, curious presence of my man home with me has something to do with it as well.  either way, i left new hampshire with an ancient feeling of anxiety AND a little more faith in myself, and a little more faith in my relationship with my sisters (especially allie, if you're reading this).