the other day i had a funny experience while planting lettuce. my new friend ken, the owner of the farm i am working on, was going on and on about himself... talking about how he is the epitome of cute, and how he has to fend off the ladies, and bla bla bla. and i dropped all the lettuce i had in my hand, ready to nestle its little roots into the freshly tilled earth, and said, "how am i ALWAYS surrounded by men with exceedingly large egos?!?" at this he laughed, and said, "because you are beautiful and strong woman, and it is hard for the meek, or undeveloped ego to tread among you, how could they feel confident about themselves?" and while i am totally open to the meek and undeveloped egos, i suddenly realized that maybe he had a point. as hard as it is for me to say that i am strong and beautiful, it was a delicious slice of potential truth.
so that being said, if you ever find yourself in the back of an old beat up toyota landcruiser somewhere in the middle of the desert behind two men talking so highly of themselves that you are unsure opening a window would help you breathe, think, maybe its because YOU'RE beautiful!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
ending with excitement
this last week has been really beautiful and grounding. it was my first christmas away from my family, and it some ways that felt really relaxing and stress-free, and in other ways, i really really missed them. oddly enough, none of my sisters went home for christmas, except for the one who lives there, so it was a very different experience for my parents indeed. christmas is always a hectic time for the campbell's (which seems to be the across-the-board-experience for most people experiencing the holiday seasons with their families) so i am hoping that since all of us have a year off, we will come to really appreciate being together in years to come.
christmas eve we decided to hike to where the lava is flowing. kiluaea is one of the most active volcanoes in the world and it is forever birthing this crazy island, and at the moment it is spewing hot magma lava all the way down to the ocean. so a couple friends and i made it there for an epic hike on christmas eve. it was quite the experience. it started off pouring rain with a consistent headwind of probably about 20 mph, relatively brutal, and then cleared up for a while, allowing us to make a good chunk of the hike with dry weather. we watched the sunset over the black pahoehoe lava. pahoehoe is the smoother kind of lava from flows that happened years ago, so they are all dried up, and this is what we hiked on for the entirety of the time. this place made us all feel as if the whole earth was pahoehoe lava, black and barren; it becomes all you can see aside from the cliff that drops off into the ocean and the hillside that the flowing lava brandished its thousand degree signature. it was like taking a trip to mordor and back, except this time we had to hike back out, there were no giant eagles to swoop down and save us.
at one point we were face to face with all the elements, rain was spitting all over us, and we looked down, and could actually see the glow of lava flowing between the cracks of the earth we were standing on, as the wind howled a most mournful song. it would get extremely hot in places like this, and we would go in search for more solid ground. it was crazy to actually feel the earth forming beneath our feet, i mean literally the ground did not feel solid, and for certain, it wasn't. eventually we hiked onward through the night, constantly searching for solid ground, a little stability to place our feet, and rest our hearts and minds. making it back to the road that led back to the car felt like a god-send. it was a most un-grounding experiencing, and at the same time, i was super grateful to have made the trek there and back with good company, and experience all these elements that are made by earth. it was a good reminder of how small and relatively insignificant i am as a human, and in some ways, how utterly powerless i am to the ways and the forces of the world, and how important it is to show respect to the ground i tread on, because by-god i am grateful it is solid.
this week the farm has been so mellow. i feel so grateful to have had the opportunity to live and work on the farm. life is so simple. talk about finding zen and peace in the simple things, "chopping wood, carrying water." i love and will truly miss my little life and routine i have going there. i work all day,run, make dinner, tea, and maybe a treat, process macadamia nuts, dry bananas, and am in bed by 9:30! only to rise again at 6:30 and watch the world turn light every morning. AHH! i love it. i needed some grounding quiet time, and i have received it. it reminds me that i would love my life to be like this at some point, with added community, and maybe a bit more action here and there, and a few people to share it with, and definitely no lettuce.
i am taking off for molokai on monday. i am doing a workshop with the ho'ea initiative. they do a lot of wilderness awareness workshops, that often include tracking, nature awareness, cultural awareness, and some other primitive skills. i am excited to go and see how it feels to be involved in something like this.
i am continuously trying to figure out what the next step is for me. is it school of some sort? more travel? a perfect job hidden somewhere? a diamond in the rough. i feel really ready to put my energy towards something that is sustainable for me and that i feel passionate about.. but what could this be? i am trying to stop searching so much and just relax into whatever my life has to offer me right now, despite pressures from my parents, my sisters, and pressures from myself. because they are undoubtedly there.
either way, i am really excited for this workshop. i am excited to go to boston and see rose. i am excited to be around my family. i am excited to go to allie's wedding and watch her put her faith in love. i am excited to go back to durango and work for open sky again, and sleep outside. i am excited to maybe buy a house plant-probably a succulent of some sort but a house plant nonetheless.
i love being excited.
christmas eve we decided to hike to where the lava is flowing. kiluaea is one of the most active volcanoes in the world and it is forever birthing this crazy island, and at the moment it is spewing hot magma lava all the way down to the ocean. so a couple friends and i made it there for an epic hike on christmas eve. it was quite the experience. it started off pouring rain with a consistent headwind of probably about 20 mph, relatively brutal, and then cleared up for a while, allowing us to make a good chunk of the hike with dry weather. we watched the sunset over the black pahoehoe lava. pahoehoe is the smoother kind of lava from flows that happened years ago, so they are all dried up, and this is what we hiked on for the entirety of the time. this place made us all feel as if the whole earth was pahoehoe lava, black and barren; it becomes all you can see aside from the cliff that drops off into the ocean and the hillside that the flowing lava brandished its thousand degree signature. it was like taking a trip to mordor and back, except this time we had to hike back out, there were no giant eagles to swoop down and save us.
at one point we were face to face with all the elements, rain was spitting all over us, and we looked down, and could actually see the glow of lava flowing between the cracks of the earth we were standing on, as the wind howled a most mournful song. it would get extremely hot in places like this, and we would go in search for more solid ground. it was crazy to actually feel the earth forming beneath our feet, i mean literally the ground did not feel solid, and for certain, it wasn't. eventually we hiked onward through the night, constantly searching for solid ground, a little stability to place our feet, and rest our hearts and minds. making it back to the road that led back to the car felt like a god-send. it was a most un-grounding experiencing, and at the same time, i was super grateful to have made the trek there and back with good company, and experience all these elements that are made by earth. it was a good reminder of how small and relatively insignificant i am as a human, and in some ways, how utterly powerless i am to the ways and the forces of the world, and how important it is to show respect to the ground i tread on, because by-god i am grateful it is solid.
this week the farm has been so mellow. i feel so grateful to have had the opportunity to live and work on the farm. life is so simple. talk about finding zen and peace in the simple things, "chopping wood, carrying water." i love and will truly miss my little life and routine i have going there. i work all day,run, make dinner, tea, and maybe a treat, process macadamia nuts, dry bananas, and am in bed by 9:30! only to rise again at 6:30 and watch the world turn light every morning. AHH! i love it. i needed some grounding quiet time, and i have received it. it reminds me that i would love my life to be like this at some point, with added community, and maybe a bit more action here and there, and a few people to share it with, and definitely no lettuce.
i am taking off for molokai on monday. i am doing a workshop with the ho'ea initiative. they do a lot of wilderness awareness workshops, that often include tracking, nature awareness, cultural awareness, and some other primitive skills. i am excited to go and see how it feels to be involved in something like this.
i am continuously trying to figure out what the next step is for me. is it school of some sort? more travel? a perfect job hidden somewhere? a diamond in the rough. i feel really ready to put my energy towards something that is sustainable for me and that i feel passionate about.. but what could this be? i am trying to stop searching so much and just relax into whatever my life has to offer me right now, despite pressures from my parents, my sisters, and pressures from myself. because they are undoubtedly there.
either way, i am really excited for this workshop. i am excited to go to boston and see rose. i am excited to be around my family. i am excited to go to allie's wedding and watch her put her faith in love. i am excited to go back to durango and work for open sky again, and sleep outside. i am excited to maybe buy a house plant-probably a succulent of some sort but a house plant nonetheless.
i love being excited.
Friday, December 23, 2011
untitled raw
sometimes i feel like i write best first thing in the morning... my head and my emotions are clear, and i feel super in tune with everything when i watch the morning light turn from blue to grey to spotty-sunshine. right now i am feeling split open and raw. i heard somewhere that you need to share yourself with others so that others can live, so i felt it necessary for some reason to share with everyone this morning, because i love all the people in my life... so this is out of love for everyone... including myself.
untitled
here i am sitting somewhere over the rainbow listening to john prine and crying
the sun rises in an iridescent violet
and sets in a magenta goo... dripping itself into the ocean
for days and months
i have been singing about how 'you're gonna make me lonesome when you go'
thinking bout how 'i see you in the sky above, in the tall grass, and the ones i love'
smiling when i do
but fearless love takes a toll.
so here i am
redirecting
figuring out how i can borrow words of others
to keep feeding the love i have for myself.
and that takes a toll too.
i just keep praying to the moon
knowing that it always comes around to cast its moon shadows all over the place again.
untitled
here i am sitting somewhere over the rainbow listening to john prine and crying
the sun rises in an iridescent violet
and sets in a magenta goo... dripping itself into the ocean
for days and months
i have been singing about how 'you're gonna make me lonesome when you go'
thinking bout how 'i see you in the sky above, in the tall grass, and the ones i love'
smiling when i do
but fearless love takes a toll.
so here i am
redirecting
figuring out how i can borrow words of others
to keep feeding the love i have for myself.
and that takes a toll too.
i just keep praying to the moon
knowing that it always comes around to cast its moon shadows all over the place again.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
rainbow weather I
so today is one of those times where i feel like i almost can't pinpoint exactly what i want to write and i feel like could write so much because it has been so long since i last posted an entry and thus i have no idea where to begin and at the same time feel like i could go on forever. hmmm... deep breath maybe?
the marathon. what an experience. i was a true witness to the battle between the body and the mind.
the race started out in the dark... after waking up at 2:45, we all hopped on a school bus at around 3:30 in the morning, and were carted to the starting line. nerves awry, hearts pounding, stuffing in that last bit of "clif-blok" to get us through the first couple hours we lined up next to eachother, holding hands... the five of us seemingly blond in a sea of japanese people. the exhilarating feeling of being the minority and being at the start of a 26 mile race was soon catalyzed by a firework display that marked the start of the time. tears rolling down our cheeks we began to make our way slowly to the start. unsure of what the next six hours of our lives were going to look like, unsure if we were gonna stick together for the whole of it, unsure what was to happen next.
and then we were off- funneled through the starting line like lil' coffee cherries starting off their process of making their way into your cup... and after mile two i was without all the loved ones i came to honolulu with. i was all alone, and yet surrounded by a sea of people, ebbing and flowing around me. there were moments in the morning darkness in which all i could hear was the sound of 28,000 people's feet hitting the pavement around me. it was our morning heartbeat, propelling us forward through the darkness, and through all the stoplights, changing on their own accord. and then i watched the light turn blue, and from their i could see little splashes of sun making their way onto the horizon as people reminiscent to fans, started to make their way through the cracks in the sidewalks to cheer us on with all of their might!
the light brightened, and i thought about all the people back at home, and in hawaii that i love... mile 13.1 passed and i came to the conclusion that i had actually been training for a half marathon, not a full 26.2 mile marathon. but still, despite the pain in my knees, and the sharp pain in my right hip-flexer i kept on. determined by something other than myself to finish. my mind went through its usual array of insults, as i knew i would be the last of my friends to make it across the finish line, and my body felt like it was starting to deteriorate into the pavement with every lift and fall of my feet. but still i kept on. and then something changed. around mile 18, when i knew i was over the hump, and all at once felt sure that i wouldn't make it another step, something in my little mind's eye starting saying, "you can do it meg, you can do it. don't stop, you got this" and i kept on and on and on for 8.2 more miles, and realized that it was my mind telling me not to stop, encouraging me further and further, even though my body surely couldn't make it, not one more step... and i came to the last mile... my pace actually picking up underneath my torso, my arms getting into a larger swing until i was once again surrounded by these "fans" cheering me through the last couple steps, and i broke out into a full sprint to the end... and then walked to a spot in the grass and collapsed, somehow found by three other friends, in the same amount of pain, happy to see that i had finished, and ready to get a free shiatsu massage. its funny because my mind quickly assumed its normal role, "eh i'm not sure that was good enough meg, your time is a tad embarrassing, don't walk around too proud.." but now i am telling that part to shove it, i finished 26.2 miles in 5hours51seconds, and well, i am proud. and that being said, i wanna do better next time... :)
the marathon. what an experience. i was a true witness to the battle between the body and the mind.
the race started out in the dark... after waking up at 2:45, we all hopped on a school bus at around 3:30 in the morning, and were carted to the starting line. nerves awry, hearts pounding, stuffing in that last bit of "clif-blok" to get us through the first couple hours we lined up next to eachother, holding hands... the five of us seemingly blond in a sea of japanese people. the exhilarating feeling of being the minority and being at the start of a 26 mile race was soon catalyzed by a firework display that marked the start of the time. tears rolling down our cheeks we began to make our way slowly to the start. unsure of what the next six hours of our lives were going to look like, unsure if we were gonna stick together for the whole of it, unsure what was to happen next.
and then we were off- funneled through the starting line like lil' coffee cherries starting off their process of making their way into your cup... and after mile two i was without all the loved ones i came to honolulu with. i was all alone, and yet surrounded by a sea of people, ebbing and flowing around me. there were moments in the morning darkness in which all i could hear was the sound of 28,000 people's feet hitting the pavement around me. it was our morning heartbeat, propelling us forward through the darkness, and through all the stoplights, changing on their own accord. and then i watched the light turn blue, and from their i could see little splashes of sun making their way onto the horizon as people reminiscent to fans, started to make their way through the cracks in the sidewalks to cheer us on with all of their might!
the light brightened, and i thought about all the people back at home, and in hawaii that i love... mile 13.1 passed and i came to the conclusion that i had actually been training for a half marathon, not a full 26.2 mile marathon. but still, despite the pain in my knees, and the sharp pain in my right hip-flexer i kept on. determined by something other than myself to finish. my mind went through its usual array of insults, as i knew i would be the last of my friends to make it across the finish line, and my body felt like it was starting to deteriorate into the pavement with every lift and fall of my feet. but still i kept on. and then something changed. around mile 18, when i knew i was over the hump, and all at once felt sure that i wouldn't make it another step, something in my little mind's eye starting saying, "you can do it meg, you can do it. don't stop, you got this" and i kept on and on and on for 8.2 more miles, and realized that it was my mind telling me not to stop, encouraging me further and further, even though my body surely couldn't make it, not one more step... and i came to the last mile... my pace actually picking up underneath my torso, my arms getting into a larger swing until i was once again surrounded by these "fans" cheering me through the last couple steps, and i broke out into a full sprint to the end... and then walked to a spot in the grass and collapsed, somehow found by three other friends, in the same amount of pain, happy to see that i had finished, and ready to get a free shiatsu massage. its funny because my mind quickly assumed its normal role, "eh i'm not sure that was good enough meg, your time is a tad embarrassing, don't walk around too proud.." but now i am telling that part to shove it, i finished 26.2 miles in 5hours51seconds, and well, i am proud. and that being said, i wanna do better next time... :)
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
hello ruby in the dust
i am sitting right now, listening to neil young pandora radio, watching 5 people standing around a counter, cooking. they are cooking a mexican meal that they so gracefully offered to share with me.
it hit me the other day that the weeks that have fed me the most here have been my trip to waimanu, and my recent love affair with hilo, in which i spent a week with my insta-best-friend kate, running, cooking, going to yoga, and having amazing conversations, only to be joined with long-time-best-friend heidi for birthday adventures, and lots of laughs, tears, and wine.
coming back kona side and realizing i was going to spend a week alone brought up the question... why am i here? living outside of community, spending loads of time by myself, not making money... you know the drill and the persistance of those thoughts in my mind. the grass seems to always be greener huh? well in relation to my recent realization of what feeds me, abundance came knocking at my door again, and i got a call from the local lettuce farm in town. kealaola farms (i think there might be an apostrophe in there somewhere); they need help.
YAY! eruption of joy in the opportunity to work, have my own space (a tent that i can stand up in, set up my altar, and have all my clothes in that overlooks the pacific and colorful fields of lettuce), and live in community. this is exactly what i need for the last month of my stay here in hawaii. some grounding. i keep talking about how i feel like i have been able to come to center within myself, but i am lacking grounding in the real physical world. the farm was completely willing to work around my schedule for the marathon, and open to me coming for as long as i wanted or needed, so i obviously could not refuse.
-(one my favorite neil young songs just came on-cowgirl in the sand.. yes.)-
so here i am... as i said sitting in a large wearhouse, with a kitchen and a group of smiling faces, tent all set up, 7th harry potter already broken into, listening to cowgirl in the sand, and grateful.
it hit me the other day that the weeks that have fed me the most here have been my trip to waimanu, and my recent love affair with hilo, in which i spent a week with my insta-best-friend kate, running, cooking, going to yoga, and having amazing conversations, only to be joined with long-time-best-friend heidi for birthday adventures, and lots of laughs, tears, and wine.
coming back kona side and realizing i was going to spend a week alone brought up the question... why am i here? living outside of community, spending loads of time by myself, not making money... you know the drill and the persistance of those thoughts in my mind. the grass seems to always be greener huh? well in relation to my recent realization of what feeds me, abundance came knocking at my door again, and i got a call from the local lettuce farm in town. kealaola farms (i think there might be an apostrophe in there somewhere); they need help.
YAY! eruption of joy in the opportunity to work, have my own space (a tent that i can stand up in, set up my altar, and have all my clothes in that overlooks the pacific and colorful fields of lettuce), and live in community. this is exactly what i need for the last month of my stay here in hawaii. some grounding. i keep talking about how i feel like i have been able to come to center within myself, but i am lacking grounding in the real physical world. the farm was completely willing to work around my schedule for the marathon, and open to me coming for as long as i wanted or needed, so i obviously could not refuse.
-(one my favorite neil young songs just came on-cowgirl in the sand.. yes.)-
so here i am... as i said sitting in a large wearhouse, with a kitchen and a group of smiling faces, tent all set up, 7th harry potter already broken into, listening to cowgirl in the sand, and grateful.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
first poem in a long time
recent encounters with raven
here i am
lookin' good for no one but myself
shaved legs
hair loose and wild
out here
sitting in the second
warm rain of the day
mmmh. i am o.k. with the rain.
autumn's here you say?
where?
maybe in my solitude.
maybe in the warm rain.
maybe in all the sunsets.
sunsets.
"why am still watching the sunset!?"
i yell out to the ancient colors.
i am ready!
i am ready to put roots in
settle
curl up
provide
and then
watch the sun RISE!
at this, Raven laughs-
wise words pour out of a beady stare i have known in dreams:
stop
rushing.
here i am
lookin' good for no one but myself
shaved legs
hair loose and wild
out here
sitting in the second
warm rain of the day
mmmh. i am o.k. with the rain.
autumn's here you say?
where?
maybe in my solitude.
maybe in the warm rain.
maybe in all the sunsets.
sunsets.
"why am still watching the sunset!?"
i yell out to the ancient colors.
i am ready!
i am ready to put roots in
settle
curl up
provide
and then
watch the sun RISE!
at this, Raven laughs-
wise words pour out of a beady stare i have known in dreams:
stop
rushing.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
ebenezer scrooge gets the holiday blues and cures it through giving thanks to you!
wow, welcome to my tri-annual mercury in retrograde struggle. yesterday i spent most of the day feeling and wondering if mercury was going to go into retrograde, and when i checked my calendar, it turned out that today is actually the day. not to sound to woo woo, but i am notoriously spacy, laden with bad luck and unable to control my bad communication habits (not to play the victim or anything). today, the day before thanksgiving, this fine beautiful sunny and 80 degree 23rd of december, i feel sad and confused. doin the human struggle! doin the human struggle! (i feel like i should come up with a lil shimmy for that!)
i just talked to my dad and two of my sisters on the phone (my dad has this crazy "hands-off" thing in his car that broadcasts me over the radio when i call) as they were driving to vermont, the place where i spent all of my thanksgivings until i was 20, to enjoy snow, good food, wine, cheese, my favorite childhood restaurant, and some turns in 33degree-and-drizzling-miserableness, on slopes saturated with snow guns blowing ice chunks in every possible orifice. HA! but something about bundling up with my sisters and dad and sweaters and warm hats sounds really beautiful and very comfy... that's the word, comfy. sometimes that is exactly what i need on this island. all this earth-shaking-earthquaking-sharp-lava-eating-my-feet-raw-exposing-nakedness can be hard on a woman!
i am the ultimate ebenezer in my cynical now mid-twenties. i often think all holidays are glorified by hallmark and have no real meaning or importance in my life anymore. i appreciate the changing of the seasons, and lunar cycles, and old traditions that probably run deep in my pagan ancestry somewhere down the line... yes a true pagan at heart. but once again, the space that i have provided myself with this year has led me to some beautiful and new perspectives. i do appreciate the traditions that i grew up with. going to vermont every year for thanksgiving, eating from a buffet at a dark cozy nook of a french restaraunt (which is apparently very unconventional), and then going around the table saying what we are grateful for is a heartfelt very applicable tradition, and i love it and i miss it.
christmas can be a whole nother story, but growing up it was never my favorite holiday. thanksgiving always was. i think the reality of feeling close to my family, being small and nurtured by everyone in the first real cold of the season was and is something very special and dear to my heart.
i have a lot to be grateful for this year.
i am grateful for my family. for the differences and the raging power that me and all my sisters possess. for us being strewn across the country, in different places doing different things, and feeling confident that we are on our path in the moment. for the irreplaceable bond that only sisters can feel, despite brutal honesty, minor abuse, and lots of tears and distance. for willingness to heal and create new bonds, to work on relationships and see eachother for who we are now, and not for who we were when we were stealing eachothers clothes and slamming doors.
for mom and dad for figuring out what it is that makes them happy. following their hearts, accepting me and loving me unconditionally despite all my crazy quarter-life-crisis antics. for always providing us with creature comforts and nurturing, despite distances, absences, and arguments. for allowing me to be someone who lives and moves from the heart, while trying to weave in a little bit of logical thought. thank you for bearing with me. thank you for tickling me when i was little, playing bad guy, laying in bed with me till all hours of the night, letting me crawl into your bed whenever i was sick, and brining me to vermont for every vacation, the first place i really felt my soul. thank your for instilling so much love into me that i didn't know how to express it enough as a kid. i love you more than the universe.
to friends and families in other forms
thank you for bearing with me as well. i know my tendencies towards being relatively emotionally unregulated can be draining and ungrounding. thank you for being a grounding force in my life. thank you for providing me with new family, and always seeing me (avatar style) beyond the hot mess that i can present myself to be. thank you for always believing in me, helping me see through my greatest dreams and desires. helping me to decode my dreams, speak my truth, and challenging me to become a better person. thank you for always knowing what is best for me, even when i am too stuck to see it myself. thank you for helping me see myself as beautiful, recognizing my courage, and by-god holding fucking space for me. thank you... unwavering love headed your way.
to mentors and teachers
thank you for seeing my potential. thank you for telling me that i am amazing. thank you for believing in me, challenging me, and making yourself available. thank you for telling me to "buck up," thank you for ignoring me, and holding boundaries with me. thank you for being beautiful strong humans to look up to and aspire to be. thank you for holding the bar high. thank you for presenting your love and truth to the world and thus allowing me to move in that direction.
to something greater than myself.... great spirit, great mystery, universe, whatever
thank you for allowing me to see myself, and begin to discover my spirituality, find routine and seek inner and outer truth... not sure quite where to go with this one yet except that thank you for answering my prayers through out the ages at times when i didn't even know i was praying.
japhy
thank you for bringing me so much joy, and being a maniac, and causing me worry, and providing me with unconditional love.
myself
thanks meg for finally taking the risk to do something different. thank you for removing yourself from the definition of insanity- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, thank you for learning to be gentle with yourself, for being open to doors opening and closing, for moving into joy and new acceptance for your body- soft in all the right places. thank you for discovering that your power does not lie behind a toothy gummy grin, but can be found and fostered in even the darkest corners of your life. thank you for growing up, coming into yourself, being real, wearing your heart on your sleeve, and with that, starting to learn about balance (ha!) thank you for being ready to move into this next phase of your life, while still being aware of connections and love across the miles. thank you for being ready to discover and grow and learn. thank you for saying thank you.
so here is my gratitude. i could go on for days... i love lists. thank you for loving me, and allowing me to love you in return.
happy turkey day.
i just talked to my dad and two of my sisters on the phone (my dad has this crazy "hands-off" thing in his car that broadcasts me over the radio when i call) as they were driving to vermont, the place where i spent all of my thanksgivings until i was 20, to enjoy snow, good food, wine, cheese, my favorite childhood restaurant, and some turns in 33degree-and-drizzling-miserableness, on slopes saturated with snow guns blowing ice chunks in every possible orifice. HA! but something about bundling up with my sisters and dad and sweaters and warm hats sounds really beautiful and very comfy... that's the word, comfy. sometimes that is exactly what i need on this island. all this earth-shaking-earthquaking-sharp-lava-eating-my-feet-raw-exposing-nakedness can be hard on a woman!
i am the ultimate ebenezer in my cynical now mid-twenties. i often think all holidays are glorified by hallmark and have no real meaning or importance in my life anymore. i appreciate the changing of the seasons, and lunar cycles, and old traditions that probably run deep in my pagan ancestry somewhere down the line... yes a true pagan at heart. but once again, the space that i have provided myself with this year has led me to some beautiful and new perspectives. i do appreciate the traditions that i grew up with. going to vermont every year for thanksgiving, eating from a buffet at a dark cozy nook of a french restaraunt (which is apparently very unconventional), and then going around the table saying what we are grateful for is a heartfelt very applicable tradition, and i love it and i miss it.
christmas can be a whole nother story, but growing up it was never my favorite holiday. thanksgiving always was. i think the reality of feeling close to my family, being small and nurtured by everyone in the first real cold of the season was and is something very special and dear to my heart.
i have a lot to be grateful for this year.
i am grateful for my family. for the differences and the raging power that me and all my sisters possess. for us being strewn across the country, in different places doing different things, and feeling confident that we are on our path in the moment. for the irreplaceable bond that only sisters can feel, despite brutal honesty, minor abuse, and lots of tears and distance. for willingness to heal and create new bonds, to work on relationships and see eachother for who we are now, and not for who we were when we were stealing eachothers clothes and slamming doors.
for mom and dad for figuring out what it is that makes them happy. following their hearts, accepting me and loving me unconditionally despite all my crazy quarter-life-crisis antics. for always providing us with creature comforts and nurturing, despite distances, absences, and arguments. for allowing me to be someone who lives and moves from the heart, while trying to weave in a little bit of logical thought. thank you for bearing with me. thank you for tickling me when i was little, playing bad guy, laying in bed with me till all hours of the night, letting me crawl into your bed whenever i was sick, and brining me to vermont for every vacation, the first place i really felt my soul. thank your for instilling so much love into me that i didn't know how to express it enough as a kid. i love you more than the universe.
to friends and families in other forms
thank you for bearing with me as well. i know my tendencies towards being relatively emotionally unregulated can be draining and ungrounding. thank you for being a grounding force in my life. thank you for providing me with new family, and always seeing me (avatar style) beyond the hot mess that i can present myself to be. thank you for always believing in me, helping me see through my greatest dreams and desires. helping me to decode my dreams, speak my truth, and challenging me to become a better person. thank you for always knowing what is best for me, even when i am too stuck to see it myself. thank you for helping me see myself as beautiful, recognizing my courage, and by-god holding fucking space for me. thank you... unwavering love headed your way.
to mentors and teachers
thank you for seeing my potential. thank you for telling me that i am amazing. thank you for believing in me, challenging me, and making yourself available. thank you for telling me to "buck up," thank you for ignoring me, and holding boundaries with me. thank you for being beautiful strong humans to look up to and aspire to be. thank you for holding the bar high. thank you for presenting your love and truth to the world and thus allowing me to move in that direction.
to something greater than myself.... great spirit, great mystery, universe, whatever
thank you for allowing me to see myself, and begin to discover my spirituality, find routine and seek inner and outer truth... not sure quite where to go with this one yet except that thank you for answering my prayers through out the ages at times when i didn't even know i was praying.
japhy
thank you for bringing me so much joy, and being a maniac, and causing me worry, and providing me with unconditional love.
myself
thanks meg for finally taking the risk to do something different. thank you for removing yourself from the definition of insanity- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, thank you for learning to be gentle with yourself, for being open to doors opening and closing, for moving into joy and new acceptance for your body- soft in all the right places. thank you for discovering that your power does not lie behind a toothy gummy grin, but can be found and fostered in even the darkest corners of your life. thank you for growing up, coming into yourself, being real, wearing your heart on your sleeve, and with that, starting to learn about balance (ha!) thank you for being ready to move into this next phase of your life, while still being aware of connections and love across the miles. thank you for being ready to discover and grow and learn. thank you for saying thank you.
so here is my gratitude. i could go on for days... i love lists. thank you for loving me, and allowing me to love you in return.
happy turkey day.
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