india again

more incomplete glimpses that maybe i should have figured how to tie together before i posted them separately, but oh well.

yesterday i hid from delhi.
i stayed inside like some over-entitled wealthy white person paying
$18.50 for air conditioning and luxury when all i really need to get by
is 6 dollars on pahar ganj.
i went out once.
and dust, tuktuk drivers, incessant honking horns, fruit vendors and children poking me in the breast to ask for money
not to mention 120 degree heat
just didn't tickle my fancy.
sorry great mother india.
sometimes my love for you is unbearable
it hurts my heart, it thrills me and makes every cell in my body smile
and i spend all my time trying to figure out when i can get back to you
and your mountains
and all the sun-withered faces
and other times i hate you.
you make me crazy, feel lonelier than ever
even in your sea of beings
and i wanna' ask for all the arms of kali
so i can scream, plug my ears, give you the finger and
stand weapon in hand and say en guard! all at once.

but its always worth it.
the smells-spices incense shit urine
flavors of dust dirt and bodies
and i am always heartbroken and eager to leave
when i board my lonely flight home.