i am at the point of no return when it comes to starting where i left off the last time i signed on to this thing. for starters, it is 5 o'clock right now and pitch black outside. that's right, i have left the most remote archipelago in the world and am now sitting in a creaky study in the northeast corner of our country, the seacoast of new hampshire. its amazing how much lower the light sits in the sky on this end of things... in hawaii we are only about 1500 miles away from the equator, here, the miles seem immeasurable. i have gone from bikini bottoms and airy shirts to tearing through my 13 year old sisters closet in search of a warm hat, and gallavanting down the streets of cambridge for a pair of closed toed shoes that doesn't cost me a fortune (and doesn't look like the geeky purple pair of tennis shoes i was running in just a week ago in only a sports bra).
yes, it all seems like a distant dream right now. hawaii. does it really exist?! am i really so lucky to have just spent the last three months of my life there?! it feels surreal, undeserved, a mere story i made up in my fruitful imagination. it was truly a place of healing for me. so i wanted to write hawaii, the goddess pele, the ocean, the raw black jagged truth that is the energy vortex of the place i just became so intimate with, a thank you note... (these tend to be my favorite ones to write!) so here it goes!
i apologize if i have left anything out. and know, it wasn't all peaches and cream... ha!
dear dear dear hawaii,
where to begin? i feel infinitely grateful to have spent the last three months with you. to start off i would like to thank you for challenging me. for cutting up my feet, making me question what it really means to be grounded. for throwing all mother nature's elements at me all at once; for overwhelming me with emotion; for helping me feel what it really means to be lonely; for sucking me into the womb of darkness, my eternal introspection where my self-critic feels oh-so-comfy and the black dog is fed;
thank you for providing me with fertile yet rocky unforgiving ground for growth. for retribution from myself and the smoky tortures of my mind; thank you for aiding me in the discovery of distraction and the opening, healthy, hearty, laugh-at-myself-moments. thank you for providing me with perspective.. for drawing me so far away from all my different families, that appreciation no longer has the same ring to it as it did before, endless gratitude and new eyes are more like it. thank you for introducing me to new family.
new eyes. thank you for giving me new eyes. for allowing me to re-discover the magic of snow falling, fire places, and scarves, and what it means to spend the holidays with my sisters; i dont know if i will ever spend another christmas so close to alone.
thank you for allowing me to swim everyday. to exist in prayer and meditation. to be quiet and contemplative without over analyzing. to be nice to myself. to begin to learn to know what it means to embrace my big hips and on-the-thicker-side-thighs. thank you for teaching me the art of relaxation. of introducing the possibility that maybe wherever i am, really is where i am supposed to be. patience. truth. the mending of a broken heart.
i promise to keep learning the hawaiian moon calendar. i promise to keep in touch with family there. i promise to take what i have learned with me. i promise to work on coming from a place of gratitude and forgiveness, and to continue practicing what it means to live with aloha.
please know that i walk forward balancing on the fringe of knowing my own strength and beauty, and i will humbly accept any more challenges you can throw my way.
much love in prayer and gratitude.
aloha,
mc
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