-slowly creeps itself around the corner... showing up in the form of wraiths and ghostly figures beckoning me towards what seems like darkness but really it just the unknown. leaving everything that i have found comfortable and comfortably uncomfortable for the past two and a half years. to name a few: my man, my dog, my job, the utah desert, friends and connections lost and refound, the san juans, osha, aspen trees, winter time, snow boots, apples, the list goes on and on- all that i appreciate and love about this place, my home, my sanctuary, and my hell- to leave it all indefinitely scares me and makes me wanna curl up, watch chick flicks, and cry.
this vacation off from work has been epic in a lot of ways... ranging from dramatic emotion and being told i am a "lovely trainwreck" to grieving, healing, being in the wild with females/getting a dose of my own wilderness therapy, getting a tattoo and truly devoting myself/my spirit to joy, and moving out of the only place i have lived in the last year (which is out of 3) that has truly felt like home despite the crowded chaos of the kitchen and the dark living room. today is sunday, which is my favorite of the seven days of the week; it is always my perfect excuse to stay home and watch a movie, especially when the clouds are looming as they are today. i spent the last week in the wilderness with two wonderful ladies and two wonderful dogs. i couldn't believe the vast landscape of my heart that was provoked and spilling out all over the place as i walked, came upon high alpine lakes, dreamed vivid dreams, and sat with myself before the sunrise. a few highlights included spontaneously stripping down into nude-ness and jumping in the pine river, deciding to call the day short at a spot called moon lake, and rejoice in the incessant wetness of the misty rain afternoon- journaling and distracting myself with harry potter (my first go at the books by the way). another moment i reluctantly and hopefully share is my sudden surge of emotion that caused me to scream and hurl rather large rocks into the pine river (5 or 6 as an attempt to be exact), releasing emotion, persistent circular thoughts, fears, and finally dropping myself out of my head into an adrenaline filled body, guided by truth and heart. this happened on the last day a couple hours before it began to downpour and we all decided to forgo our rain gear, and just walk getting drenched, and soaking up the last bits of our journey together- ready to take in any last gift the wilderness had to offer.
i always feel like i am walking my path when i find myself in truly wild places-waking with sunrise-mornings i wish would never end- and crawling into my bed when the last of the blue shadow evening has faded into darkness. simplicity, and evoking exploration beyond anything that can exist in four walls.
so now i am sitting in a room- four walls that have provoked much exploration for me since i have moved in here, and are getting closer and closer to being empty. just a few things linger here, mostly dirt and p-chord, but many many memories that i will keep close to my heart despite their nature. thick raindrops have just begun pelting the leaves outside the window, bringing back memories of candlelit nights where there was no where i would rather be than here on this bed, with my lover, listening to rain, or feeling the moonlight seep in through the small east-facing window. ode to this odd-shaped, terribly insulated room! ode to lovers' arms! ode to moving in, and moving out! ode to the creeping up of my next chapter!
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