so i pull out the opened aging bottle of port in my closet
i uncork it
and i don't bother getting a glass
and the familiar thought swells up in me again
'its time to go'
this oh-so-familiar feeling-sorry-for-myself-side says
nothing ever goes as planned
smiles fade
laughter stops
lets get outta dodge.

and another-less-familiar-side says
it's okay to slow down
and curiosity can go a long way.

not to mention there is always music playing in the background.

bob dylan sings me to sleep tonight
harmonica and all.

and i think about those words:

"strong women will encourage and awaken the potential
inside of you" he said
"make you wanna be a better man-
an intimidating prospect."

and so i giggle as i crawl into my bed and wait.

is that what is happening here?


my dog is the only male i have to get mad at these days.
and masturbation is a proud and honest fool.

the whiskey compilations III

the sun hasn't gone down yet
and the ice is already clinking in my glass
because i like to sit in my own shit
and self medicate
and feel sorry for myself
and i am so god damn tired of all the alone time
a little company would be nice
my bed is so damn cold at night.

oh whoops.
i am sorry.
did i leave a mark on your heart?
mustabeen the whiskey talking again.

here, let me unzip my jacket.
is that where my heart is?

you got a smile that can leave a mark too.

i'll just wait
here.

and i am sorry that my bed is so small.

i heard my first hummingbird today.
i swear it sought me out.
flying by all quick-like.
leaving me questioning.

and then i remembered that i saw pain in your eyes.
and i am so curious about your hesitation.

and thinking about it doesn't help.

so now the whiskey leaves my lips wet
and my tongue full of wit and fire.
and i would love to roll another cigarette
and just sit
with you.

its like this.

its like cleaning out my closet.
making space for new things,
clothes
different blankets
new feathery accessories.

its like a conversation between old lovers
in this lifetime
the last
or the next.

its like riding my bike in the full moonlight
and listening to gritty tunes in the honda toaster.

its like your best friend telling you to shut the fuck up
and being called out on being mopey.

its like free lunch and good company and two hour long cups of coffee.

its like a conversation that probably should have happened two years ago,
and now not being the right time,
and feeling sorry,
and knowing that apologies for truth are, for lack of a better word, stupid.

its like heartbreak happens once a day,
and that's beautiful because it means you are loving something or someone so much your heart could break over it.

its like coming back to an old job, and having it feel new and utterly different,
and its like having a job that lets you howl at the moon with boys on a journey that they won't know about for a few more years.

its like dancing with a pink boa
and making new friends
and acceptance and rejection and movement and healing.

its like getting a job offer in one of your favorite places,
with one of your favorite people.

its like it all works for once
its like all the pieces fit together.

its like finding out how i well i lean on myself and
how i love to love.

yeah. its like that.

springtime of my loving.

its official.  spring time has laid its blue sky hands over our lil' mountain town of durango, caressing us all into transition... time to bloom ladies and gentleman! welcome to (as i borrow words from robert plant and jimmy page) the springtime of my loving.  winter has finally thrown up its white flag of surrender- despite its rather measly attempts to keep us inside this year.  everyone is out and about-adorn in big grins and flip flops and skirts.  i just stepped outside to help coach little adorable children in petting my dog, and it seems that my heart is stuck in this warm place.  was florence right? are the dog days really over? couldn't be.  how could i possibly be comfortable in my body? how could i possibly be comfortable in this place where i feel happy and secure in my heart?  i'm excited to go in the field you say? its all so new.  perfect timing-spring: new beginnings, opening and closing of doors, finding moments of elderhood and feeling like a newborn all at once, the ending of one lifetime and beginning of another, old and new friends coming out of the cracks in the sidewalks to remind me of my roots, and what i lost and what i found.  i think i might be more than a little grateful to be alive right now.  it all just proves what an ally time is for me.  i got to durango, and immediately freaked out because of all the change and differences, and almost moved away.  "but mountain bike season is about to start," said my body, and "i feel at home here" said my heart, and "i don't care," said my irrational mind, and "stay for a second, relax, settle," said many voices of reason that i am so lucky to have in my life, "you are strong, it is going to be okay."  and so here i am- sitting in my favorite coffee shop, watching the sunshine from inside, tracking, keeping my ear to the breeze, basking in my lil' love affair with myself for just a moment.  and thus ends this episode of 'here is my heart on a platter for you to munch on.'
much love.